In case you fellow Isla Vistians have been getting bored with your daily smoke-sesh routines, here are some alternative ways to get that “Wow did I just eat a good brownie, or was that a GOOD brownie” kind of high. But we recommend that you DO NOT try these at home, because chances are you probably don’t know what you’re doing and the last thing your parents need is a hospital bill in the mail. That being said, here is some food for thought, or in this case, drugs for thought for all you wannabe Snoop Doggs out there.
There exists, deep out in the deserts of South-West America a small button-like cactus by the name of peyote. People have been eating peyote since about 3500 BCE and still do, if not for its so-called “spiritual” nature than for its killer twelve hour high. Unfortunately, there’s not too much peyote around due to overconsumption and its hefty illegality. But thankfully the cacti’s psychedelic alkaloid, mescaline, also exists in the far more prominent and popularly decorative San Pedro, a cactus you can find anywhere from Lowe’s Hardware to your neighbor’s backyard. Just remember, San Pedro, while not illegal to possess, is illegal to prepare into an active brew. So whatever you do, do NOT take twenty inches of the cactus, wash it, de-thorn it, blend the rest, and boil the concoction for four hours until it turns a brownish color; then strain it through a t-shirt and drink the bitter cellulosic juice. To do so would induce a strong, yet surprisingly mellow high replete with visual distortions, waves of euphoria, peace, and tingling skin; not to mention the legal consequences of extracting a Schedule-1 narcotic. DO NOT FUCKING DO IT!
Have you ever gotten your wisdom teeth removed? You know that gas the doctor puts over your nose that made you sleepy? Well that was laughing gas, chemically known as N2O; a.k.a nitrous oxide, a.k.a hippy crack, whippets, nang, nos etc. Well it just so happens that there’s another totally legitimate use for the stuff besides anesthetizing fourteen-year-olds with achy gums: baking. Nitrous oxide is commonly used as the propellant in whip cream. And thankfully our local I.V. smoke shop, Precious Slut, carries cases of nitrous oxide (for all you avid bakers out there). Two twenty-four packs cost twenty dollars. Once inhaled using either a “cracker-and-balloon” or a whipped-cream dispenser, this gas delivers a strong, euphoric, and numbing high for about thirty seconds. Just remember, THIS IS ILLEGAL… I think. I don’t really know, but I wouldn’t walk around campus sucking this shit straight from the can. Don’t do it, you know, just in case.
Salvia Divinorum is a powerful little plant. A member of the mint family, two good hits of this shit will have you on the floor with your eyes rolling and head spinning. But out of all the drugs on this list, I would say this one’s the least amount of fun. Don’t get me wrong, you will trip FUCKING BALLS for about ten minutes. But whereas most psychedelics imbue euphoria and philosophy, salvia only gives you rapid racing delusional thoughts. One moment you’re hitting a bong with your friends, the next moment you’re trying to keep your eyes still while you become convinced your friends are trying to kidnap your tree for religious reasons. Sense and logic go completely out the window and there’s nothing you can really do but ride the high until it fades and you can once again pronounce your own name. Salvia is weird as hell and the high is very interesting, but I wouldn’t really call it “fun”. Unless laying down, convinced you’re turning into a cupcake while strange patterns streak across the backs of your eyelids is your idea of fun. Its legal – kind of – but can be a little hard to find at your run-of-the-mill smoke shop. And even if you do find it, it’s usually expensive. One little gram can run anywhere from fifteen to eighty dollars, sometimes more, depending on its strength. Salvia’s not great, but as far as smoke-shop-purchasable drugs go, it’s better than bath-salts.
Ah how we all miss the 60’s, especially since none of us were there. Where acid was once plentiful, pure, and two-dollars a hit, it is now expensive; and while not impossible, still harder to find. Well fret no more because LSA, LSD’s chemical cousin, can be found totally legal at your nearest Home Depot or gardening store. What I’m talking about are the seeds of the morning glory, that purple-flowered vine you see sprawling up fences at parks and nice suburban neighborhoods. And it turns out that if you eat about three hundred of them, you get a powerful psychedelic high SWIM (Someone Who Isn’t Me) would describe as uncannily acid-like. Tracers, patterns sliding up walls, thoughts about infinity and “Am I acting cool? I’m not being… I’m being cool, right guys?” The whole nine yards. However, the trip is accompanied by some nausea. I’ve never known somebody make it all the way through without throwing up. And again, its kind of illegal to eat the seeds; so don’t do it. In fact, don’t do drugs at all. Drugs are dangerous and illegal and will lead to the eventual dissolution of society, its laws, and all that we hold near and dear. Drugs are a vicious plague. Even though they are fun, cheap, and amazing, I personally have never done one and never will. 420 bitches.