Members of the jihadist Islamic State of Iraq and Syria, or ISIS, took control of Santa Catalina Residence Hall, also known as F.T., late Friday night and declared the dormitory the “Gaucho Caliphate,” enacting a strict ban on drugs and alcohol.

The assault was met with little resistance from the Santa Barbara County Sheriff’s Department, due to the low number of police personnel available on the scene, according to Sgt. Donald Williams, who held a press conference regarding the incident on Saturday.

“Isla Vista Foot Patrol was unable to defend against ISIS, because at the time of the Jihadi assault, all local officers were busy arresting drunk freshmen on Del Playa,” Williams said.

ISIS released a general statement regarding the seizure of F.T. on their Twitter account, @AllahHuGaucho, claiming “the Gaucho Caliphate is the first step toward the annihilation of Isla Vista’s godless debauchery #D.A.R.E. #NoBama.”

Since the residence hall’s seizure, ISIS patrols have enforced a strict version of Shariah Law, which includes a ban on mind-altering substances and fun. Reports from students living inside the Gaucho Caliphate have been leaked through social media.

First-year English major Susan Keller said the militants have taken their policies very seriously.

“They smelled alcohol on my roommate’s breath, so they cut her head off. It was total bullshit because vodka doesn’t even smell,” she said.

According to James Chang, a first-year political science major, such violent tactics are merely a way of asserting authority.

“ISIS doesn’t even care about underage drinking. All they care about is exerting their power and meeting their beheading quotas,” Chang said.

Since the establishment of the Gaucho Caliphate and its zero-tolerance policy on alcohol, incidents of arrests and ticketing have plummeted, Williams said.

“There’s been zero tickets issued around the FT area since ISIS moved in and it’s really freeing up time for us to harass students in other areas,” he said.

Chancellor Henry T. Yang sent out a campus-wide email regarding the development, stating UCSB is committed to maintaining a safe environment for its students and “the dramatic decrease in alcohol related incidents in the Gaucho Caliphate is a definite affirmation of this.”

Yang also announced a halt in the CSO escort service near F.T., and that instead, ISIS has volunteered its services to the community.

“If you or someone you know needs an escort to the Gaucho Caliphate Residence Hall, please contact ISIS directly, as most CSO volunteers have been brutally murdered,” Yang said.

Not everyone is pleased with Yang’s apparent tolerance of ISIS. Third-year feminist studies major Julia Marshall and other students have organized a demonstration on Wednesday in front of the Gaucho Caliphate using the moniker “FREE F.T.”

“The goal of the protest is to restore the basic human right to get smashed on boxed wine,” Reynolds said. “It doesn’t matter how many students get beheaded, crucified or sold into slavery; the gravest injustice perpetrated by ISIS is its dogmatic refusal to get turnt.”

The demonstration is expected to draw in armed factions from neighboring Santa Barbara City College, including Boko SB and the Free City College Army, which experts say is expected to add further instability to the El Colegio region. According to a recently released statement from UC Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano, “There is no winning scenario here.”

The conflict comes on the heels of Halloween weekend and according to Williams, the anticipated unrest among thousands of potentially sober undergraduate students may prove too much for Isla Vista’s limited police resources.

“We are used to the drunken riots of Halloween weekend,” he said. “But with the significant potential of sectarian violence and the unprecedented reality of a sober student body, it’s impossible to know if we’ll be able to give out enough tickets.”

However, some students have expressed some acceptance of the extremist group’s occupation. Chad Johnson said the situation could be worse.

“Yeah, it’s pretty bad, but at least they’re not as bad as I.V. Foot Patrol or anything,” he said.

Nexustentialism is a fictitious, satirical column submitted primarily by students. View expressed do not reflect those of the Daily Nexus or UCSB.