The Walk of Shame, or Stride of Pride — depending on how you’re feeling on your walk home — is a very common occurrence amongst Isla Vista dwellers. However, there is always the big question that takes up residence in my head when I’ve just had an enjoyable night — do I stay or do I go? As a girl with intimacy issues, my head is almost always saying “GO,” but let’s explore the pros and cons of both sides.

After a one-night stand, the last thing I want to do is wake up to a person I’ve just met, so of course, I usually tend to do the whole, “sneak out as soon as he’s asleep” thing. Because no matter how much fun you just had, no one really wants to do the walk of shame — well, I know I don’t. The problem with the Walk of Shame is that the better you looked the night before, the more embarrassing your walk home will be in the morning. By the light of day, that little black dress and the remnants of a smoky eye will have you praying that rather than recognizing you, people will just mistake you for a confused I.V. raccoon. By the way, guys, you have no idea how good you have it.

However, I’ve also had times where I’ve had to stay the night, simply because the sex was so good that walking home afterwards didn’t seem possible without falling asleep halfway home, or because the prospect of calling a CSO to pick me up from my booty call just seemed like it’d be too awkward. But for this situation, lemme recommend you turn that Walk of Shame into a Stride of Pride, no matter what the night before was like. Own that messy hair and makeup. Walk down DP rather than shrinking down Sabado or Trigo. Heck, go take advantage of the Walk of Shame special at South Coast Deli.

So when you’re dealing with one-night stands or casual hookups, it seems that there will always be the inevitable questions of, “How do I ask them to leave without being rude?” or, “How do I let them know that I want them to spend the night?” Well, I think I can safely say that I have been on either side of both encounters: having to ask a person to leave my bed, inviting him to stay, knowing when it’s time for me to leave, being asked to stay and not wanting to, etc. etc.

For someone who struggles with intimacy issues, the question of how to nicely kick someone out is too real. I know that I hate it when a guy attempts to spend the night in my bed; it’s already too small for me, so what makes you think I’d want to share it with you? So how does one kick a person out? For one, don’t be afraid to voice how you feel. This is your bed and if you want it to yourself, that’s your prerogative. But obviously, you want to try to drive them away in the most respectful manner possible; you never know when you might want to hit them up again. When in doubt, the simple, “I’m really tired and I have an early day tomorrow; the last thing I’d want to do is wake you up early,” usually works like a charm. We college students really value our sleep.

But if you want the best chances of sleeping in your own bed without having to share it, I shall quote the wise words of YG: “Toot It and Boot It.” Maybe having your prize of the night go back to your place isn’t actually the smartest idea — go to theirs so you can sneak out without the guilt of feeling terrible for asking them to leave. Sex is fun (hopefully), but if you don’t want to stay the night, get out. The last thing I want for a partner is for them to feel forced to stay the night just because I had sex with them. I know that cuddling is fun for some, but you might as well save that for your body pillow because I’m not interested.

And then there are the problems that come with dating a person for a while: taking it slow, and finally deciding to sleep together. Do you stay or do you go? Most people would say stay, obviously; you’ve been dating them, so why not? Yeah, I see where you’re coming from, but that’s not me. As previously mentioned, I like my bed to myself. And even if I’m dating a guy, getting me into bed is one thing but getting me to stay is wholly another. I say this because as a woman, it takes a lot for me to look my best and if I’ve just started dating you, I only want you to see me when I’m a 10. Therefore I can’t stay the night — while bedhead and last night’s makeup look good on some, as I’ve mentioned before, I feel that I tend to look less than desirable the morning after. Furthermore, I don’t see a problem with not wanting to spend the night with a partner — who wants to wake up with their morning breath in your face or their snoring loudly in your ear? As cynical as this may sound, I do believe that there’s nothing more exhilarating than caring about a person and exposing yourself to them. But until we get to that point in our relationship, I’m not interested.

So, while the perks of dating a person can include being truly honest and intimate with your partner (including about how bad you look the next morning), the perks of one-night stands are not caring about leaving after the deed has been done. So yes, sometimes a sacrifice has to be made in order to expand your sexual horizons, but the thrill of leaving a freshly worn-out bed can be oh so fun. So let me enjoy myself and let me pleasure you, and then let us part our ways because I don’t want to wake up to you; sorry ’bout it.

Wendy Doer has nothing but sympathy for the raccoons of Isla Vista.

A version of this article appeared in the Wednesday, March 5, 2014 print edition of the Daily Nexus.
Views expressed on the Opinion page do not necessarily reflect those of the Daily Nexus or UCSB. Opinions are primarily submitted by students.