First, she talks about an itch in her breasts.

“It’s not a normal itch, Doctor. It’s something internal, like a craving that pulses in places of my body I can’t reach.”

The patient squirms in frustration, crinkling the white paper on the examination table on which she sits. The wiggling causes her mini skirt to hike up. Long legs glossy, long legs exposed. The tip of her deep red thong peeks through. A drop of perspiration trickles down her neck and dives into the plump flesh of her breasts. Her lips are exquisitely pink, exquisitely pursed and exquisitely moist.

Most importantly however, is that the doctor realizes this is sexiest patient he has ever seen, and for the first time in his career, he wants to break his professionalism because he needs her, and he needs release.

“Now we don’t normally use this procedure, but it’s only done during desperate measures. And this,” the doctor pauses to rake his eyes down his patient’s body, “seems to be a very desperate measure.”

At first, when he massages her breasts, she is alarmed. But slowly the pleasure takes over, and she confesses another itch, down on her clit. And then another, on her vagina. And then one more — the ever-present, non-relenting itch on her lips.

My beloved Humpers, say hello to role-play.

What is sexual role-play? According to our oh-so-omnipresent source of Wikipedia, it represents a form of foreplay that involves two or more people who act out roles in a sexual fantasy. While that explanation more or less adequately portrays the technicality of the act, let’s thrust deeper. My definition of sexual role-play? It’s freedom. Pure, steaming and explosive freedom.

Oftentimes, non role-players question the allure of the act. Why pretend to be someone else when you have a perfectly capable self to be? Why not leave the dress-up and acting for Halloween? This, my friends, is where the freedom comes in. Sexual role-play builds for an almost excruciatingly erotic scene that allows you to overcome many of your sexual inhibitions, at any time and at any place. It grants you permission to access your deepest desires, your innermost fantasies and your most desperate wishes. Want to be tied up and dominated? Have your partner rip your clothes, strip you, bind you, whip you, whisper dirty diction as you grow more and more aroused — any or all of the above to quench that temporary bondage binge. Want to reenact the classic scandal between teacher and pupil? Find a spare room, set up a desk and whiteboard, decide on who teaches and who learns; dress the part and start off like it’s a one-on-one detention session or a last-minute lesson on linear algebra. Then there’s the prisoner and prison guard, the Sleeping Beauty, the dutiful robot, the repairman and the naughty wife, the photographer and the model, the celebrity and a lucky fan … Possibilities are endless.

On top of that, role-play possesses no confinement to physical, in-person play. It can occur via phone, email or an online chat room. It also holds no prejudice against two partners or five as well as a private setting or an open show for suspecting — and unsuspecting — audiences. This is your sexual fantasy put to life, so live it like you want to, folks.

For the expert role-players, I tip my hat to you and cheer you on. But for the newer actors and actresses just starting out or are contemplating dipping their feet in the fun, here are some tips:

1. Immerse yourself. Absorbing the essence of your character and your scenario will provide for a more realistic scene. As for generic, easier stories, you can get by from watching some films or using your imagination to hurl out that cowboy drawl or pretend you know anything about teaching. But for some of you ambitious role-playa-playas, be sure to do your research. My boyfriend and I once played out a hypnotist scene, and while it was still hot and heated, I realized midway that I wasn’t fully sure of routines or phrases hypnotists use on their clients, and role-play verbiage became a bit stilted. Of course, it’s important to note that everything depends on your seriousness for the play and your demands on realism. If you’re just messing around and having fun, laughing between scenes and guffawing about the awkwardness is a-okay. But if you want that penetrating experience, get down to business and get into it.

2. Obtain appropriate props, set a good scene. Again, this depends on how serious you are about the role-play. Some people rent or buy equipment, secure a desired location setting and obtain the appropriate costumes; others work with what they have and simply use a single item to sustain their scene. It doesn’t matter, because you don’t need to go all out in order to feel the sexual steam of role-play. However, props certainly do help accentuate the reality of the scenario and the roles, and visual affirmation acts as a stimulant not only for your eyes but also for your libido.

3. Just have fun. Ultimately, this isn’t about practicing for an acting audition or memorizing a study guide. We’re just here to unlock our fantasies, and hell, if we’re going to give them life, then we might as well live them up.

In the end, let’s just say the doctor from the aforementioned scene quenched his desire for release, and the patient calmed her “itch.” And what was left at the end? Two nude college students, laughing on their dorm bed about an amazing night’s play.

Role-play on, Humpers, and role-play hard.

R. Pengsta highly recommends regular checck-ups with your favorite doctor.


Views expressed on the Opinion page do not necessarily reflect those of the Daily Nexus or UCSB. Opinions are submitted primarily by students.
A version of this article appeared in the Wednesday, October 16, 2013 print edition of the Daily Nexus.