Embarking upon my final year at UCSB and living with seven other voyagers in a similar boat, it’s natural that we reminisce about our freshman year and what we might have done differently. Add a few bottles of wine and you have this article. Freshmen, underclassmen, general public: I present to you our kernels of wisdom, at least within the sex and relationship sphere.


“From personal experience, losing your virginity on the floor of an Isla Vista bathroom is not the way to go.” If you’ve made it this far, sweet unicorn, try to at least have a consistent hookup that you trust before you relinquish your precious gift.


“If you’re in the Greek system, don’t limit yourself to other Greeks.” Trust me folks, there’s a whole world out there of people who would be happy to get to know you over lunch, rather than over a handle pull.


“Don’t have sex with someone who doesn’t know how to use their hands (or tongue).” Make them earn it. My hookup experiences have included both seeing stars and seeing the popcorn on the ceiling. Let’s improve the general standard, people.


“Be a good shacker — start your partner’s morning off right.” A little wake-me-up oral, mayhaps?


“If a person tells you up front that they don’t want a relationship, don’t be angry when they don’t want a relationship.” My roommate last year hooked up with a guy for seven months, hoping that he’d change his mind and be her boyfriend, to no avail. He was straightforward about his preferences and she wasted a lot of time.


“Don’t neglect the titties. Give them their due respect.” Before heading to Panty-Paradise, take a little detour and appreciate the mountainous terrain. They need a little loving. Additionally, appreciate that some men also love to have their chesticles pinched and nipped.


Know how to grab a tit. “Like a stress ball, but gently.” Don’t be the asshole that bats them from side-to-side like a sexually distressed kitten. I never want to go through that again.


“If you can’t make yourself come, it’s incredibly unlikely that someone else will be able to. Practice self-love.” It might be awkward at first, but it’s important to understand what gets the loins a-frothing.



For the ladies, “Remove your sticky boobs and extensions prior.” You don’t want them to think that their hot loving is literally disintegrating your body.


“Consent is not the absence of a no.”


“Don’t make your friends listen to your oral adventures.” If they want to hear that nastiness they’ll stir a pot of Mac and Cheese.


“Try not to look at men’s sex faces. They can be absolutely terrifying.”


“When you’re going down on a woman, use your fingers simultaneously.”


“Never hookup with a tampon in. It can become a nightmare scenario.  Just wait, it’s not worth it!”


“Invest in the high quality lube kids. Don’t sell yourself short.”


“Don’t let your virginity make you feel less than what you are. You’re high-hanging fruit.”


“Take time to be single and uncommitted. Learn what you like and don’t like and focus on yourself.”


“Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it!” Try some weird stuff. Dabble with your sexuality. You never know, you may open new doors for yourself. Just don’t start choking your partner if you don’t know what you’re doing, you could accidentally commit a crime (of passion!)


And so, your bright-eyed, bushy-tailed young’uns, go forth, go down and prosper! Happy Humping!

Hayley E. made plenty of mistakes as a freshman … but luckily, all of you young’uns are about to learn from them.

A version of this article appeared on page 8 of the Wednesday, October 2, 2013 print edition of the Nexus.
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