Hello my nubile Nexus readers! I hope you were all sufficiently sloshed on New Years. As I shamefully wasted an opportunity to make countless “Santa’s sack” jokes for the Christmas holiday, and instead chose to rant about tits, I feel I must take this opportunity to respectfully nod in the direction of the new year and, by default, resolutions.
Obviously there is the standard of “lose weight,” and “eat right,” which we all know only last for the first week of January. Mine personally is to become a Renaissance woman (start beekeeping, own a motorcycle, have an appreciation for opera). But on top of our personal resolutions, let’s take a moment to make a resolution or two for our sex lives. There is always room for improvement! Without further adieu, I present to you your sexual resolutions for 2013 (*waves hand grandly in arc*).
1. Have Sex:
These are your college years; the years that you should be looking back on with a wince and excusing them with, “it was college.” When else can you be sexually inspired by Edgar Allan Poe’s “The Raven,” start rubbing your nipples and bang your incredibly bemused (yet utterly compliant) study partner? You would think never, but hey, as I said, that’s college for you. Don’t look back on your college days without anything wild and crazy to show for. Eventually your firm skin and taught bellies will degrade into soft decline (depending whether or not you make it past the first week of January). Better get it while it’s hot.
2. Not With Your Ex:
Come on. It’s a new year, new conquests! Christmas break is for what I like to call “The Great Purge.” No, this is not in reference to consuming mass quantities of food, becoming shamefully opulent and then attempting to rid thyself of all the late night feasting. By this I mean you have three weeks to submerge yourself in your friends and family, and all that is most important. During this time, you utterly ignore thoughts of any member of the opposite sex who has been getting your panties in a bunch. You may find, as I have, that a number of people who have been occupying your romantic sphere are tolerated rather than actually liked. So purge them out of your system and enjoy the other flavors.
3. Be Kinkier:
I am the fondest spokeswoman of this cause. What I love about kinky sex is that it takes sex and makes it new again. What happened to that breathless thrill, that burning feeling of sex being delightfully taboo? Due to its rampant nature in Isla Vista, often the act becomes the norm, the everyday, typical. Spontaneously nip their shoulder. Cover her mouth when she gets loud while simultaneously licking her ear. Tug on his hair. Order them around. Tie her up. See? Feeling the burn already.
4. Don’t be afraid to ask:
This, above all else, baffles me. Why would you not want to get what you want? By guiding them you are almost guaranteed your proper pleasure. And lord knows they appreciate it. Insert Helen Keller joke here. Many are afraid to say what they want because they don’t know want to ruin the moment. Depending on what appeals more to you, your options are as such: a) physical cues (put their hands where you want them and move them as you desire) b) turn your breathy moan into purring instruction or c) deliver a dominant command: if not properly carried out, punishment is in store.
5. Get flexible:
I was stretching at the gym today when it occurred to me: many people lack the ability to touch their toes. And if they can’t touch their toes, I’m going to follow the logical flow of progression in that they can’t put aforementioned toes behind their head. Which is a shame, as it is a personal favorite of mine. By lacking a limber body, you may be more limited in the things you can try. You might also suffer as I have and get awful sex cramps in a tight muscle. Fight the battle before it comes to your door. Weeping is generally a turn off.
6. Do it in new fun places:
Out of all places, I mean the library. I want to shag amongst the shelves of academia, toppling tomes in frenzied passion. You’d be lying if you said you hadn’t thought about it. Now, unfortunately, my fantasies always end in the shelves toppling over and resulting in the ultimate ruin of the sixth floor, but that’s just my thought process. There are boundless nooks and crannies to explore your companion’s nooks and crannies. In general, don’t limit yourself to the bed; it’s so… white bread. Take your Lusty Lewis on an expedition into the world of sexual locale (yes I am trying to turn Lewis and Clarke into a sexual metaphor. The break was too long). Fond examples of mine, proven to be delightful: the shower, the floor, the dresser, the kitchen island, the ledge next to my sink, the beach, in a parking structure… you understand. It imbues your actions with a restless sense of desperation; you must have them on the closest available surface at this very moment. Focusing specifically on shower sex, this is a unanimous favorite. Hot water pouring down your body, you’re both wet and instead of cuddling after you connect via loofa.
7. Try new positions:
Missionary is a safe, successful position, but please do not only use the missionary position. Other positions can boast better angles, sensations or visuals. Try something new. Just don’t be that guy who has to pull out every move to show he knows where the clitoris is.
8. Learn where the clitoris is.
9. Have sex with the lights on:
If you don’t want to see the person you’ve gone home with, you shouldn’t be going home with them. Look at your shame. Besides, much of arousal comes from visual cues. Not getting to see all the little details like lip biting or eyes squeezed closed detracts from the experience.
10. Demand your orgasms:
For too long, women have dealt with not getting theirs. Just because women don’t shoot fireworks from their hoo-ha to let you know the deed has been done, doesn’t mean that you’re free to stop whenever. If we can breathe through our noses while resisting the urge to gag, in the name of reciprocity, we should at least get our fair share. I’ll admit, I’ll often just deal because I don’t want to turn the sexual experience into a tyrannical affair, but no longer! A solid way to ensure this is to enforce a strict “ladies first” policy.
All right, there’s your list! Apply as one would a soothing balm to the wounds of your sexual past. Happy Humping and bang in the New Year right!
Hayley E. often thinks about sex at the gym – she’s the one with her feet behind her head and a smirk on her face.