Hello my pervy public, today we will be discussing the do’s and don’ts of fondling a woman’s sweater monkeys. This topic is very near and dear to my heart (as well as on top of it). From a young age, I have suffered an affliction which has affected my everyday life: massive knockers. I do not run; it is not plausible due to my fear of being hit in the face with them. People are perpetually throwing things at my cleavage like it’s some sort of goal. My bra doubles as a purse and sometimes I forget things in there. I can (and have) worn my bra as a full-on hat. Allow me to elaborate on the importance of this topic by sharing an anecdote.

Last year, when I was but a young buck in the wild world of mixed gender relations, I decided to commit the cardinal sin of hookups: getting down with my hot neighbor. Oh, he was so pretty. Thick as a post, however, (mentally, that is) and constantly walking around with his mouth open. Once more, let me emphasize: I was young and naiive. So I was performing fellatio, and things were going moderately well when he decided to make his move. What he did startled and baffled me. Reaching down around me, he batted my breasts from side to side, like some sort of demented, sexually unaware cat. I stopped immediately, unable to focus when such blasphemous ministrations were occurring.

“What … what are you doing?” I asked, lost.

“You like that, baby?” He asked, mouth agape.

“No, stop it. Go for the nips, bro.” He did not. Instead, he chose to squeeze them very hard with a claw-like grip, all while looking at me with an eyebrow raised. Needless to say, I left shortly after.

Now, class, can you tell me what my neighbor did wrong? Let me put it to you this way: Women are like unicorns. But instead of horns, we have boobs as our element of mysticism. Honor and righteously please the breasts. I know they’re very exciting, but don’t lose your cool. Every touch counts: Don’t dedicate two minutes (or in some cases an entire morning — you know who you are) to learning the physics of my breasts. Yes, if you lift them, they will fall back down, so operates gravity. I swear to God if one more guy pokes them after I am already blessedly undressed, I will break his finger. How would you respond if I were to bat your penis from side to side? “Ooh, it’s like one of those inflatable clown punching bags,” I would coo. “I hit it and it comes right back up!” Let me tell you now, its buoyancy would quickly deflate, much like my libido.

Now that I’ve dumped a sufficient amount of exasperation on your shoulders, let’s get to the tips (of the nips, of course).

The most important thing I’ve gathered from my own sexcapades and that of others is this: sensitivity. As a rule, women with smaller breasts are more sensitive, and women with larger breasts are less. This is because women with larger knockers have the nerves stretched out more, reducing sensation. It is very important to suss out your ladies’ level. Lightly scratch your nails over her whole breast, which is riddled with nerves. That feels rad. Take things slow with your mouth and hands, building them up until she is making those delightful sounds. Cup her tit and focus on the nipple, as that’s where almost all the sensitivity is. Trace the edges of the nipple with your tongue before taking it into your mouth, swirling, flicking and lightly nibbling. Just remember to do so lightly. It is always better to assume that she is very sensitive so that you don’t hurt her. Ladies, you are the key to your own pleasure. If you are less sensitive, like myself, tell him he can be rougher. I say, “I’m not very sensitive so don’t be afraid to get rough with me.” When given the go, bite, pinch, flick harder. Don’t bite her nipple off, just bite her the way you would like to be bitten.

Just as women can derive pleasure from nipple stimulation, so can men. When you’re making out shirtless, give him a flirty little pinch. Swirl your tongue around it on your way South. However, do these things in passing. Treating them like female breasts is awkward. If they like it, it’s something you can toss in every once in awhile.

While on the topic of chesticles, let me skim briefly over what I have recently learned about body piercings. Within a group of women I am affiliated with, there are not one, but seven girls who have their nipples pierced. Originally, the thought made me cringe: Why defame the glory given to you by nature? If our boobs are our unicorn horns, why would we want to whittle them into bizarre forms that are unappealing to many? Well, a) because they kind of look badass and b) they drastically increase your sensitivity. All of the girls who received this piercing reported that they could now orgasm from nipple stimulation. Needless to say, I was wowed. I thought such things were the myths of teenage boys and fan-fictions. At times, I ponder if there is a nipple piercing in my own future. Mayhaps. But if your booby nerves are particularly resilient like mine own, this is an option you may look into.

Finally, remember that for most, chestal stimulation is nice. It is not extraordinary, but it is a good buildup for what’s to come. Don’t spend half an hour playing with her chest, because she will get bored. You may be motorboating the living hell out of her, but after a certain point she will be gazing listlessly over your head, waiting for you to wrap it up and get back on the agenda.

And so, dear readers, remember this: Everyone loves boobs. Just make sure that you are loving them right. Go, frolic, have bloated post-Thanksgiving-gorging sex and, please, fondle properly. Happy Humping!

Hayley E. has a thing or (more accurately) two to teach you about how to keep your hands full.