In his seminal 1729 essay, “A Modest Proposal,” social theorist Jonathan Swift presented a plan to solve Irish poverty through the exploitation of a valuable, renewable resource. Swift proposed infant cannibalism as a new food source for Ireland’s starving, huddled masses, having heard that “a young healthy child well nursed is at a year old a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee or a ragout.” He hoped it would act as an economic boon, allowing one-year-old infants to be sold by their parents and eaten as delicacies by the wealthy.
Jonathan Swift was ahead of his time.
The right to life starts at conception and ends at birth. Abortions should be deemed unsafe and illegal. That’s between a woman and her government. But once it’s out of the womb, I fully support a woman’s right to choose … to either sell or devour her own children. It’s the same reason that we need to defund Head Start, a government “social[ist] program” that provides early childhood education for low-income families. It’s the same reason that we need to cut the entitlement programs that are bankrupting this country. The welfare queens can provide for themselves, through the plentiful procreation of children; once everyone can receive nourishment through the efficient harvest of infants, the days of food stamps and government child support will be over.
If we embrace this ideology, we can end Obamacare’s tyrannical government overreach by ending its funding for pre- and post-natal care. Once you’ve been born, you’re on your own, buddy. That’s the American Dream. And it’s a beautiful dream.
On that note, this policy would greatly reduce poverty in the United States — because most harvested babies would disproportionately be those living near or under the poverty line. In American politics, we beat around the bush by using code words like “cutting entitlement programs,” “expanding the tax base” and “encouraging work ethic” — but let’s be frank: most of this country’s problems are caused by poor people. Why do we encourage their upward mobility and future prosperity through Pell grants and other education funding? Why do we help them when they’re completely broke and can’t afford food or medicine? That’s when they’re the most vulnerable! We can easily eliminate poverty by eliminating poor people, so why do we continue to foster their very existence?
At the root of the Democratic Party is the belief that every American matters. But don’t mind them — they’re just a bunch of detached, latte-sipping, limousine liberals trying to take away your freedom. Take no heed of their attempts to mend poverty and the economy, or to defend children and the defenseless. If we give infants rights, everyone will want them.
Better education does not promote growth, despite their mantra. Safety net programs like Medicaid and unemployment insurance are wastes of money that save no lives. If you give the middle or lower class a tax cut, they’ll just hoard it or waste it, unlike their wealthier counterparts who are savvy enough to invest it in the economy. The regulations preventing us from using this valuable natural resource are crippling America. We will not be cooed or coddled by liberal pacifiers set on allowing people to feed from their government’s teat. America cannot afford a post-natal culture of life.
Higher profits, less free-riders, more personal responsibility, lower crime rates, greater freedom, fewer regulations and smaller government. The answer is in eating babies.
Daily Nexus liberal columnist Geoffrey Bell recommends a dash of salt and half a teaspoon of basil.