Just out of curiosity: When was the last time your fuck of the
night bit your ear, whispered, “How do you want it?” and you
responded, “Baby, give it to me in missionary. I really want to
just lie here and take it like a little bitch, you bad boy.”

Let’s face it, it’s convenient, simple and it gives at least 50
percent of the hookups the option of getting in a quick nap.
But, there really isn’t anything very exciting about the old mish
posish. I don’t know about you, but in school I am definitely not
just trying to pass with the bare minimum, and it’s no different
when I’m in bed — A+ or nothing. Unless you’re warming
up your mojo or trying to get by with Sex for Dummies, I’m
going to have to give missionary a low C. Students, get out your
notepads, because I’m about to teach you how to
fuck up the entire class’s sex curve with some easyto-
handle variations on some old classics.

Let’s first start with some simple maneuvers
born out of the original lame sex culprit itself. Ok,
so you know when a rabid monkey jumps on your
face and wraps its tiny little man-legs around your
head? Yeah girls, you know what I’m talking about,
wrap your legs around his body like an orangutan in
heat; oh and here’s a novel idea, push back.

Honestly what kills me the most about missionary
is that the chick often just lays there like a beached
fish — it’s like ping-pong with a wall or just ping.
Grab that ball and pong him back, woman. He
might as well be fucking a corpse — which, nasty
as it is — is actually a thing. So make like an upsidedown,
super-malleable pepper grinder and work
him back.

Another easy hop, skip and a fuck away from missionary
involves grabbing her legs and moving them around until
something feels O-tastic. Go ahead, continental soldier, throw
‘em over your shoulder. Just maybe avoid tyin’ ‘em in a knot and/
or bow while testing out her flexibility.

Ok, now for the fun stuff. There are hundreds of crazyass
sex positions out there so I’ve narrowed it down to a few
(realistic) personal favorites that branch off of the go-to moves
you already have in your itinerary. I really think most people
stick to the basics because they’re intimidated by crazy shit like
headstands and busting your nut from across the room while
your girlfriend’s humping some phallic vegetable with a sock in
her mouth.

Now, we all know and love reverse cowgirl. It’s not too crazy
but wild enough to make it feel dangerous. Alright hold that
thought. The guy should slide to the edge of the bed and put
his feet on the floor while still lying down; then girls, sit on his
member in the same position as we just discussed (backwards),
but this time standing, using the floor for leverage. Then switch
— guy sits up and girl puts her hands on the floor. I like to call
this the “Shit I lost my contact, oh wait that feels great.”

Moving forward, or should I say continuing backwards, is a
variation on your favorite backdoor move. Instead of humping
her in the style of a dog, push her down flat on her
stomach with her legs straight and together. She’ll
be super tight and you’ll feel super satisfied. And
if you’re in a frisky mood try it standing up — she
faces the wall, he creeps up from behind. Mee-ow.
Let’s dub this one the, “I think I’m choking, oh
no let me perform the Heimlich, oh wait, now I’m
fucking you.”

Consider this a preliminary syllabus — there
are obviously countless more ways to put your
imagination and lube to good use. Don’t be
embarrassed to try something new. Remember
class, coming shouldn’t be the only reason you’re
having sex. You know what they say: getting there
is half the fun and a journey of a thousand orgasms
begins with one experimental step.