Damion Damaske
Staff Writer

This film is an amalgamation of all the basic male pre-teen fantasies: hot chicks in skimpy outfits, killer robots, machine guns, swordplay, explosions, samurais, dragons, etc. Basically, a movie made exclusively for me. I thought the stars aligned and the Heavens parted for this one miraculous moment. Every movie would cease to matter after this. I mean, how could any film compare to one that features a giant Mecha driven by a hot Asian girl in fishnet/bondage gear destroying biplanes piloted by steam-punk zombie Nazis? None, that’s how many. And I sat in at the midnight showing, waiting for the most epic experience of my life. That was my first mistake.

To call this movie a disappointment is like calling 9/11 a minor renovation. The plot is fucking dumb. And I don’t mean “leave your brain out the door” dumb — that’s my kind of dumb … in fact, that’s the whole reason why I came to see the movie in the first place. No, this is a whole new level of developmental damage that even Michael Bay dare not pass. I mean, I didn’t expect logic or coherence when I came in; illogic was par for the course for a narrative that boasts dragons, Nazis and robots in the same film. No, the problem is Zack Snyder taking away any semblance of tension — or point — to the various action scenes, and draining all the fun out of the remaining ones.

You see, the film is about a girl named Baby Doll (Emily Browning of “A Series of Unfortunate Events”), who’s sent to an insane asylum after she tries to shoot her abusive stepdad, but hits her little sister instead.

So, to cope with her new environment at the asylum, she fantasizes and pretends it’s … a brothel? Yeah, because that’s what a girl fantasizes about when trying to cope with a tragedy — becoming a whore. Two guys wrote the screenplay? You don’t say.

But it gets worse and more ludicrous after that. You see, to get from each action set piece (divided between a giant demonic samurai fight, a zombie Nazi — well, actually WWI German soldiers — war scene, a castle siege against Orcs and dragons and a sci-fi train heist against killer robots), Baby Doll dances and dreams them up.

You heard that right: the plot device that takes us to each highly-stylized action sequence is a fantasy sequence within a fantasy sequence. But the worst part is, since these action sequences are only glorified dream sequences, there are no stakes or real purpose to them. They represent a certain goal (getting a map, a weapon, fire, etc.) that is tangentially related to the “real” world, but the sequences themselves are all still in Baby Doll’s head.

You could easily cut them all out and nothing – and I mean nothing – would be left out of the narrative. On top of that, we see the girls get hit and fly through concrete walls, get punched by robots, etc. and remain unscathed. So they’re basically superheroes with no weaknesses. So not only is there no tension and no point, but there are no stakes as well.

But I could forgive all that with a lecherous smile if the film were fun at all. I could have still enjoyed the hell out of “Sucker Punch” had it been a ridiculous film full of no-dimensional characters, audacious, pointless action sequences and a slap-dash excuse for a plot, if it weren’t so fucking dour. The film is just so morose and sad and ultimately pointless. The girls are all mopey, depressed and abused (with there being at least four attempted rape scenes) — but on top of that, most of the girls [SPOILERS ALERT] die and the main character doesn’t even succeed.

What? After all that abuse from mustache-twirling villains, the girl ends up getting a fucking lobotomy? And worst of all, this is being touted as a “girl power” film?! Holy shit, this film makes “Twilight” look like the victory for women’s suffrage. Even Charlie Sheen thinks this movie is demeaning to women.

Watching “Sucker Punch” is watching porn. But not the way you’d think. It’s not because of the girls or any kind of sexual content. No, it’s because you have to wade through the bad, leaden acting and horrible lead-ins to get to the money shots. And to the film’s credit, its money shots are glorious: the aforementioned Mecha taking out biplanes, a raid on a train against an army of robots, having a swordfight with 12-foot tall demonic samurai warriors. All of them awesome and all of them shallow and empty, like porn, which is a much better way to spend your time and money anyway.