AQB is dedicating this one to all the athletes mentioned in this issue for their first time who will get laid exponentially more from now on. That’s what journalists do: Get other people laid for free.
Armchair QB
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Aries
March 21 - April 19
A werewolf who definitely howled mid make-out
Taurus
April 20 - May 20
A performative male dressed as Tyler Durden
Gemini
May 21 - June 20
The mime that somehow made it hot and cool
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
The ghost of your situationship (no, it’s actually them)
Leo
July 23 - August 22
Frat vampire, and your neck will be bleeding
Virgo
August 23 - September 22
The angel that has definitely never gone out
Libra
September 23 - October 22
The literal devil
Scorpio
October 23 - November 21
A prisoner with fake tattoos that you can pretend are real for the night
Sagittarius
November 22 - December 21
A sexy cowboy that definitely used the ride line at least four times
Capricorn
December 22 - January 19
A Patrick Bateman who relates a little too much
Aquarius
January 20 - February 18
The witch who asked for your zodiac sign first
Pisces
February 19 - March 20
A nurse who will leave you needing CPR
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