What if I told you there was still an undiscovered foreign land just waiting for the next Columbus to conquer it? Well get ready all you Magellans, because it’s time to go all Lewis and Clark on … the butthole. Explorers, start your vibrating butt-plug engines!

For those of you out there who feel like the only two options for the use of the hole in your ass is shitting and painful penis penetrating, I’m here to tell you that anal stimulation is the new black. Yes, we joke about cracks and ass-men, but when push comes to shove, where is the love? And by shove I mean, shove it where the sun don’t shine.

You know when you take a really good shit that makes you feel like you have a born-again rectum? Well, just imagine harnessing that feeling and redirecting it toward something sexual. It’s the butthole stimulation highway and all signs point to orgasm.

Ok, before you think I’m some nutty kink who sticks random objects up my ass when I have my morning coffee just to get me through the workday, I’ll first say this: I’m not really into anal foreplay or anal sex. However you may be, or be with someone who is, and I’m here to tell you that wanting a finger, toy, shaft or tongue up your ass is completely healthy. Actually, it’s an urge that would be a shame not to satisfy.

I know most of the funniest sexual things to joke about involve the asshole or the shit thereon, around and all over some girl’s chest. But there’s so much more to a butthole than rusty trombones, dirty sanchezes, cleveland steamers, blumpkins and donkey punches. When it comes to anal stimulation, there’s really nothing to fear but the fear of getting shat on itself. That is, except when it comes to “2 girls 1 cup.” You should actually be very afraid of that and should cry enough tears to erase any damage done to your eyeballs from witnessing it. A small part of my soul slowly curled up and died when I was forced to watch that.

Anal sex is something all guys want to do because their favorite porn involves ass stuffing, but most girls are frightened to even consider the thought. To that dichotomy, all I have to say is one word: lubricant. A lot of it. Actually, just squeeze that entire tube on there, buddy. Even though you’re enjoying the shit out of your dick getting strangled, she’s in pain and regretting being open-minded enough for you to get down.

Now I know you probably haven’t said the word butt-plug since you were on the elementary school playground, but it’s actually a sex toy that many use and enjoy. And if the idea of plugging your ass up is appealing to you, you might be one of these people. And why stop there? It’s literally a black hole, so why not try anal beads or even large rods if you’re feeling particularly loose in the ass that day?

Have I completely grossed you out yet? If you made it this far, you can probably handle the inevitable rim job discussion that’s about to go down. You know when you’re sitting down at dinner, just enjoying your meal and company, but something just doesn’t seem quite right? The mood is good and you’ve got your proteins and vegetables and beverage, but you ask yourself, “What is missing?” Oh yes, of course — a giant asshole in my face!

Now I’m not one of these people either, so I honestly can’t tell you if this is a common turn-on. Sometimes when I walk down the street, I wonder if everyone is secretly going home and licking each other’s assholes. But if you’ve got a craving, I think it’s time you tossed that salad.

So ask yourself, “When was the last time I touched a butthole?” And if it’s been a while, maybe you should consider touching one sometime in the near future. Grab that apple bottom and take a bite!