Shocking, but True…

Saturday, January 22, 2:15 a.m. — While strolling by Anisq’ Oyo’ Park, an Isla Vista Foot Patrol officer noticed a particularly intoxicated individual stumbling about with a white paper bag in hand.

Upon being approached, the man hastily turned in the opposite direction, threw his bag of uneaten food on the ground and bolted.

The eco-friendly officer, outraged at the apparent environmental apathy, called after the dumping drunk to pick up his trash. However, the more the officer called, the faster the man ran and flailed his way toward Camino Pescadero.

A concerned on-looker — secretly looking to fulfill his fantasy of replacing Andrew Garfield as Spider-Man for the upcoming film — climbed a wall and leapt down to block the marathon man and bring him to justice.

Once the sloppy suspect was cornered, the deputy yelled for the individual to show himself multiple times before drawing his taser, giving the suspect three zaps and successfully showing the Spidey wanna-be a thing or two about catching criminals.

With shame in his eyes and some vomit by his feet, the litterbug realized he was about to be crushed by the foot of the law and admitted to excessive alcohol consumption.

The man was charged with public intoxication, resisting arrest and, perhaps worst of all, littering.

He was transported to Santa Barbara County Jail where he was housed, pending sobriety.