As my last quarter as an undergrad at UCSB winds down, I find myself preoccupied with all of the things I didn’t accomplish as a student here. Learn from my mistakes, freshmen, and maybe your graduation date won’t be tinged with regret.

1. Gotten involved on campus. I wish I had joined a club, volunteered or even wrote for the newspaper. The only college accomplishments that will be on my resume are drinking excessively on Tuesdays and having a long, tumultuous love affair with Mary Jane. Heed my words; do something — anything — while you still can.

2. Stolen a bike. It is part of the circle of life here at Santa Barbara, and I almost feel like I didn’t do my part. Also some shithead stole my bike and I’ve been walking to school for a quarter and a half because I’m too lazy to do anything about it.

3. Joined a sorority. Ha, just kidding.

4. Robbed Keg and Bottle. This one is more of a half-wish; it’s just that the short guy behind the counter is always such an asshole. It’s like, I’m in here at least three times a week, drinking you to riches, and you can’t smile at me? Also that window with all the bottles just looks so tempting…

5. Gotten to know my professors. It took me a long time to not be horribly intimidated by professors. But this kind of goes along with number one; I’m applying for all these jobs asking for letters of recommendation, and the only way teachers know me is as that girl who always comes in late and sits in the back.

6. REALLY gotten to know my professors/TAs. One of the biggest regrets of my college career is not having a romantic entanglement with any of my instructors; just one more awesome story that I will never have to tell.

7. Studied abroad. Everyone who studied abroad came back infinitely cooler. It doesn’t matter where you go, or whom you hang out with while you’re there, trust me. It just makes you a cooler person.

8. Found the person who keeps hitting off my side-view mirrors and done terrible, terrible things to them. Four years and three mirrors later, this is getting old. Next person that messes with my car is getting BB gunned in the balls.

9. Gotten incoming freshmen drunk during Orientation. Someone did that for me, and it made me instantly love Santa Barbara. They had this great story of getting drunk during their Orientation, and I thought they were so cool. I never got the chance to pay it forward though, because I’m a bitch and strangers make me feel uncomfortable.

10. Spent more time in I.V. I know, it is a lot to take and it does get old, but as my last weekend in Isla Vista approaches, I find myself regretting those times I missed out on here. So relish the time you have left, because my fondest memories of UCSB were spent doing things I wasn’t supposed to be doing with some of the best people in the world.