Mirror, Mirror on the Wall, Who’s the Drunkest of Them All?

Friday, November 12, 12 a.m. — After a long night of drinking, two men attempted to drag their very, very inebriated brosef home.

When deputies contacted the staggering man, he did what every drunken person should never do in the presence of an authority figure — unzip his pants. The man showed deputies his penis, as if the size would get him out of trouble, and proceeded to urinate on a parked car.

Unimpressed, deputies told the man to take a seat on the curb. This task, however, was too insulting for the unruly urinator, who decided that he would try to take one of the deputies’ guns instead.

He was transported to the Santa Barbara County Jail where he was housed, pending sobriety.

Who Ordered the Meatball Special?

Monday, November 8, 7:30 p.m. — A group of women sat down at Silvergreens to have a meal when they received an unexpected side order.

The flustered females contacted deputies reporting that a homeless man — whom they called “Creepy Pants” — had entered the restaurant and proceeded to flop his penis on the backs of chairs.

Although officers rushed to the scene, Mister Pants fled the scene and was never found.