In the real world, a box of condoms costs about ten dollars. In college life, sex and relationships interns make the starry Isla Vista skies rain with bulk Lifestyles and banana flavored Durexes. They’re free, they’re everywhere — and I’m pretty sure they’re almost as fun as their cousin the water balloon. Birth control is both widely available and very dear to our population, and we should take some time to appreciate the little guy.

At this age, when you think of a ménages a trois, one rarely thinks of you, me and baby makes three. Rather than freaky love triangles, the most familiar and important threesome includes a hard working third party: the condom.  It’s your Trojan wall against dirty, infectious invaders and if used properly, it can be 99 percent effective in keeping the baby batter away from the uterine oven.  We should have a weekly time set aside to pay our respect to the precious condom.  Beside the fact that a prophylactic really is the only thing that should come between two people in the heat of the moment, it’s also the admission to the big show.

[media-credit id=20177 align=”alignleft” width=”238″][/media-credit]The gold medal of sexual Olympics is the gilded Magnum. Indeed it’s quite similar to the golden ticket Charlie received before getting willy-wonked at that chocolate factory.

Now, watching the light reflect off that wrapper is usually a winning sign, but this shiny magnum shlong bag can actually be deceiving.  Sure, Veruca got a ticket, but she also got thrown down a garbage shoot, and being well endowed does not mean the man knows how to work his dick.  Another misadventure that could arise is if Rico Suave’s condom is too big for his britches.  The fact of the matter is that men are overly preoccupied with the size of their members, when really the size and fit of the condom is what matters most (or if it’s longer than his arm — then that scary shit matters).

The male condom worn correctly, much like the cardinal and other avian critters, is the more attractive of the two genders in a species.  You may have seen the female condom being used in its alternate and more popular function as the bag your prize goldfish came home from the fair in.  It’s large, costly and studies show it’s capable of making an even more unattractive sound than the ever-pleasant queef.  As if anyone would want that much latex shoved inside them, companies advertise that it can be worn hours prior to sexual intercourse! Every responsible woman should have a “shebag” condom, one, as a scare tactic to get men to wear one and more importantly, to put the fish in while you clean its bowl.

Men and women will spend time using different brands and experimenting with different types, but only when you find a perfect fit can you genuinely applaud these pocket-sized wonders that started a revolution.