I’d like to preface your sojourn at the University of California, Santa Barbara with nine words that will best summarize your college experience: you think you know, but you have no idea. You know when Harry Potter gets that letter telling him he’s a wizard and finally the whole world makes sense to him? For you, UCSB means exactly the same thing. We’ll never ask you to explain why you are magnetically attracted to a keg, why swimsuits are your attire of choice or why, yes, you can study buzzed. We understand.

Wingardium Leviosa, bitch.

Tomorrow’s Forecast:

You mean this paper wasn’t delivered by owl? Well, that’s problematic.