I actually like dating. Sure, sometimes it seems like a glorified interview, but there can be moments of real pleasure when getting to know someone new. It was while I was filling out a job application that it dawned on me: I need a form. By weeding out the incompatibles, I leave more time for those with whom I’ll really click. After all, what better way to find love than with a formal application process? Send in your completed forms or general advice questions to advice@DearIgor.com.
Legal name _____________________________________
(Last, First, MI, enter name exactly as it appears on official documents.)
Preferred name _____________________________________
Preferred bedroom name _____________________________________
Age ___ Height ____ BMI ____ Where you from, you sexy thing? _____________________________________
T / F – I enjoy reading under a blanket when it is raining outside.
T / F – I love to play Frisbee or volleyball on the beach.
T / F – I would not get upset and complain to my friends if Igor did not call me every fricking hour of every fricking day.
What are your ideal qualities in a boyfriend? (check all that apply)
– Not so tall
– Not so dark
– UCSB humor columnist
Candidates with a strong sense of sarcasm will be given priority in the application process. Please indicate whether the following sentences are sarcastic in tone:
S / NS “Of course I’d love to watch The Notebook with you.”
S / NS “I can’t wait to wake up for my 8 AM class tomorrow.”
S / NS “I’m allergic to almonds.”
What is your greatest weakness? ________________________________________________________________________________
Describe a time when you had to persuade someone to take action: ________________________________________________________________________________
What is your proudest achievement? ________________________________________________________________________________
To the ends of the previous three questions, please add “in bed.” Write your new responses here, if necessary: ________________________________________________________________________________
“I entered ten puns into a contest, hoping that at least one of them would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.” Do you think this is funny? Y / N
Do you like piña coladas? Y / N
What about getting caught in the rain? Y / N
If it were your 1-year anniversary with Igor, would you expect a gift? Y / N
If Yes, in what price range? Circle one: $1 – 9; $10 – 19; $20 – 25
Write the answer the following analogies:
Boat : Ocean :: Airplane : _________
Light Bulb : Light :: Radio Speaker : _________
Cow : Milk :: Igor : _________
Talk a little bit about your relationship. What’s going on? ________________________________________________________________________________
How will Igor be a better boyfriend than your current one? ________________________________________________________________________________
Are you sure the problems in your current relationship aren’t your fault? Please be honest. ________________________________________________________________________________
This concludes the application. Please make sure to attach two (2) letters of recommendation from ex-boyfriends. Thank you for your interest in dating Igor!