I’m sick and tired of hearing about Jesus.

People testify all the time, saying ridiculous things like, “I can see his face on my toast, it’s a miracle!” or “Jesus helped Oklahoma make it to the final four, praise him!” or “My gonorrhea is cured! Thanks, Jesus!”


It’s all bunch of coincidences that can be explained away. Religious nuts ought to spend their time exalting stuff that’s falsifiable, concrete, and indisputable.

Stuff like aliens.

I know because I’ve been abducted!!! Ripped out of my bed at night, pulled into the sky, and vanished from the face of the Earth! I got taken up in their saucer and we zipped around the galaxy like a galactic autobahn! Those Germans would kill each other for a chassis like the ones I’ve seen.

And I can tell you, aliens aren’t at all like those blue things in “Avatar.” Not blue or sexy at all. Nope, they’ve got big heads, oval eyes, green skin, long fingers and smell like Play-Doh. How can something be imaginary if you can smell it?! Can you smell Jesus? I think not.

Face the facts, Christians. Jesus may have been a cool guy and all, but there’s a reason you don’t see any modern day prophets waltzing around. People are just a lot less gullible these days. Back then, you could pour vinegar into baking soda and claim you were summoning Satan himself. Now, I’m not saying Jesus was nothing more than a glorified magician, but can you explain an anti-gravity ray that sucks you up by your chest into the great blue yonder? All praise Zorblak!

I mean, what has Jesus done for you lately that you couldn’t do for yourself? Siding with the aliens has several perks, including, but not limited to: time travel, laser guns, intergalactic transportation, a great dental plan, and being a host to their unborn spawn. It’s like Scientology on crack and Jesus just can’t compete.

Take my advice. It’s better to declare your allegiance now rather than to be forced into servitude when they invade on a massive scale.

And sure, they may try to stick some gadgets in your backside now and again, but it’s important to not get hung up on the details.

Look up to the sky, my friends, and I’ll see you in space!