Gauchos, the wait is finally over! I, Arts Weakly’s in-house psychic, now reveal to you the artists selected to headline this year’s ASPB-sponsored Extravaganza. It’s all coming to me now: Yes, the voices from the other side of the eternal divide (plus the added clairvoyant boost from a couple cans of Natty Ice) are quite clear and persistent in their otherworldly communications with me this week.
After last year’s Extravaganza — featuring Girl Talk, Ludacris and Cold War Kids — ASPB has a tough act to follow, but I have the feeling UCSB students will be quite receptive to 2010’s selected artists. I foresee this year’s roster of talent rivaling that of Coachella’s… Hopefully, A.S. will hire a lot of security and volunteers, because this year might get a little out of hand.
The first — and strongest — mental image I am getting… wait, this can’t be right. He’s just a child. Wait a moment… Yes, that wise-beyond-his-years young man is Justin Bieber, and he will be the event’s headlining act. I have a good feeling about him… he’s an old soul. The spirits are also telling me that he will be performing with country-rock superstar Kid Rock, previewing their as-of-yet unannounced collaborative project (that’s right — you heard it here first), 2Kidz. Strange, but then again, ASPB did hire Asher Roth for last year’s show…
And there’s more… oh yes… this young woman is a woman of breathtaking beauty and extraordinary intellect… I don’t believe A.S. has ever hired an artist of this caliber before. Yes, Snooki from “The Jersey Shore” will appear at Harder Stadium in her first-ever musical performance, playing songs from her soon-to-be-released experimental jazz album, which the reality TV star allegedly said will be a tribute to the legendary Jaco Pastorius.
The other artists are less clear to me… I’m not quite sure what to make of these images I’m getting… no, no, I can’t reveal anything more at this moment. The spirits are leaving me. But I’ve got two words for you: Radio. Head.
According to rival tabloids, A.S. was able to fund this year’s show in the midst of our nation’s currently bleak economic climate by reaching an agreement with Fox News. Said agreement could not be verified, understood or in any way discerned, as of press time, due to A.S.’s closed-door meeting policy.
And, according to Wikipedia, A.S. will be charging for tickets to get in to the venue. This year’s show will be held in Fresno, Calif. and each ticket will cost just $73 for UCSB students, which can be charged to your BARC account.