The King’s Can

Saturday, Jan. 30, 10:47 p.m. — A man swaggering down the 6600 block of Del Playa Drive couldn’t help but draw the gaze of Isla Vista’s finest.

Dripping with sophistication, the 23-year-old man raised a Keystone Light to his lips and, in so doing, brought about his own demise. Seeing this, the officers perked up, happy to enforce their zero tolerance policy, and made their way toward the suave partier.

Noticing his tail, the Keystone King tucked in behind some cars and ditched his kingly can, but it was too late. The deputies caught up and asked the inebriated man why he was drinking in the street. The Goleta resident, a classy man by nature, took the high road and told them, “I know, I’m drunk in public.”

Despite the confession, the officers continued to prod and asked the self-described drunk if he knew where he was. Confidently, he answered, “Del Trigo.”

Convinced he was, in fact, drunk in public, the deputies sat the man on the curb and slapped on handcuffs. With this, the intoxicated man became aggravated and asked his arresting officers, “Why you messing with me? Look at all these people doing cocaine, and shit like that.”

A quick glance into the street revealed no cocaine, however, and deputies calmly explained why they were “messing” with him. The deputies later transported the man to the Santa Barbara County Jail, where he was housed, pending sobriety.

It’s Good, but Not That Good…

Friday, Jan. 29, 3:47 p.m. — Domino’s new and improved pizza brought one drunken man to his knees… and into the hands of the law.

Resisting the allure of fluffy, distinctly cardboard-free crust and bubbling, now-made-from-real-milk cheese, the deputies were walking past the I.V. pizzeria when they spotted the grown man blocking the entrance.

The 44-year-old — a local resident — was kneeling just in front of the door with a nearly empty 24-ounce bottle of malt liquor sitting beside him. The clearly inebriated man had a wad of crumpled dollar bills in one hand and was yelling at the patrons gathered around him. While his words were unintelligible, one could only guess he was shouting about the greatness that is the new Domino’s pizza.

As the deputies approached, they watched as the “pizza man” lost his balance and face-planted into the cement. He righted himself, only to fall face-first again. This was repeated several times until the officers arrived and arrested him for public intoxication.

He was later transported to the Santa Barbara County Jail, where he was housed, pending discovery of the telephone.

Neighborly Love

Friday, Jan. 30, 2:31 a.m. — Deputies working the late shift were called to 6500 block of Seville on reports of a fight.

Some time earlier, two men had been sitting in their apartment when they heard a knock on their door. They opened it to find their neighbor, heavily intoxicated and royally pissed about something.

The 21-year-old was too drunk to use words however, and instead just punched his neighbor in the face. The motion proved too violent, however, as the inebriated man lost his balance and fell backward down the stairs.

When the officers arrived, they found the pugnacious partier standing in the courtyard, bleeding from the cheek. The deputies attempted to talk with him, but all he would say was something about his neighbors “disrespecting” him.

Unable to get any more out of him, the deputies arrested him and transported him to the Santa Barbara County Jail, where he was housed, pending sobriety.