Crippled marine enters military/science facility.
SAM WORTHINGTON: Hey, my brother was doing some project for you but he died and I’m here to replace him. I didn’t bother looking into what it was because I’m a good soldier.
SIGOURNEY WEAVER: I am the tree-hugging hippie character who runs the experiment. I either lost all my skills as an actress or I really, truly don’t care about this ridiculous movie. Why are you crippled?
SAM WORTHINGTON: No reason, really. It has no impact on the story besides allowing for one feel-good scene where I get to “run” in the avatar’s body. So what exactly are these avatar things?
SIGOURNEY WEAVER: It’s a way for us to connect with the indigenous people of the planet by combining your DNA with theirs to create a body that looks like one of them.
SAM WORTHINGTON: Oh, so they’ll think I’m one of them when I’m in the blue CGI body?
SIGOURNEY WEAVER: Nope! They’ll know right away that you aren’t one of them. They know you’re human. Also, the avatar will let you breathe on this planet.
SAM WORTHINGTON: But I thought humans could already breathe on this planet if they use a mask.
SIGOURNEY WEAVER: Yep, we sure can!
SAM WORTHINGTON: Wait, I don’t understand why we don’t just send someone with an oxygen mask to talk to them if they’ll know I’m a human anyway.
SIGOURNEY WEAVER: Well, they’re blue, and if you’re blue too, they’ll probably like you more.
SAM WORTHINGTON: That seems incredibly insulting.
SIGOURNEY WEAVER: Also, it took James Cameron over 10 years to write this movie, and none of us want to rain on his parade.
SAM WORTHINGTON: Will I have to learn the native language?
SIGOURNEY WEAVER: You can if you want, but they speak pretty solid English.
SAM WORTHINGTON: What? This is retarded.
SIGOURNEY WEAVER: 10 YEARS, SAM!
Sam Worthington goes into a machine that somehow means he can control the avatar’s body.
STEPHEN LANG: Wait! I am the bloodthirsty warmonger. All I want to do is shoot things. Report to me with whatever you find.
SIGOURNEY WEAVER: No! War is wrong! You can’t just take over whomever you want. Here, have some acid.
STEPHEN LANG: Fuck you, hippie! Guns! Guns! Hostile takeover!
SIGOURNEY WEAVER: Oh, what a conflict! How do we deal with another people when we invade them to get what we want?
JAMES CAMERON: Do you guys get it? Do you? Do you get it?
AUDIENCE: It’s not exactly subtle, James. I just hope the characters get more complex as the movie goes on because right now they’re all laughably one-sided.
JAMES CAMERON: You ain’t seen nothing yet. Check this shit out.
GIOVANNI RIBISI: I am a greedy businessman. We need to drill under their sacred tree for oil! I mean, unobtainium!
AUDIENCE: Did he really call it “unobtainium?”
JAMES CAMERON: 10 years, baby!
SAM WORTHINGTON: I will go find out about this tree.
Instead of that, he HAS SEX with one of the BLUE PEOPLE. This is not BESTIALITY, it is ROMANTIC.
SAM WORTHINGTON: Wait! Don’t destroy their tree! It’s how they connect with their deity, and if you blow it up I won’t be able to get any more of that fine blue pussy!
STEPHEN LANG: Ha! Deity! I will laugh at this, as I am a cold-hearted douchebag. I’m blowing up their tree.
The AUDIENCE thinks this will be the site of the final battle, as this tree is so important to the BLUE PEOPLE. However, after the tree is blown up, they go to ANOTHER SACRED TREE INSTEAD and the movie goes on for 1.5 more hours.
MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ: I just bailed in the middle of a fight against direct orders! Instead of being dishonorably discharged, absolutely nothing happens as a result of this.
STEPHEN LANG: Let’s blow more shit up! Whoa, I think I just came in my camo pants.
ZOE SALDANA: Oh no! Our only hope is if Sam can rape the red pterodactyl with his ponytail!
SAM WORTHINGTON: Ok, how do I do that?
ZOE SALDANA: It has to choose you! It’s only happened five times in our entire history.
SAM WORTHINGTON: Seems pretty unlikely then that it would choose a human in a Blue Man suit.
ZOE SALDANA: Yeah, statistically speaking it’s nearly impossible.
SAM WORTHINGTON: We should probably give up then.
ZOE SALDANA: Oh wait! On second thought, you can also just jump on its head.
AUDIENCE: What is this, Super fucking Mario?
JAMES CAMERON then uses the CUT AND PASTE function on the final battle from “Lord of the Rings” and uses the PAINT function to turn all the good guys blue.
Hey, no big deal or anything, but thanks for fucking up all my articles with this stupid online format. Whoever the Editor is today: do you not understand what a screenplay looks like? The whole reason this WAS funny was that it looked like a script, and you guys just put it up however the hell you feel like? Minus the full-page illustration? Minus the entire format? Plus some terrible spacing errors and removing the whole flow of the article? Now MY name is attached to something that YOU ruined, so kindly remove my name from this. It literally looks… Read more »