Mind the Door

Sat Jan. 16, 1:12 a.m. – A parked car with its door opened wide caught the attention of officers driving westbound on Pasado Road.

The deputies approached the car – a four-door Chevy truck – and shined their flashlights into the back seat. There, lying face down, was a victim of overconsumption, dreaming drunken dreams.

His head half hanging out the opened door, the 19-year-old man was a sight to behold. Chunks of vomit clung to his face, covered his hands, stained his T-shirt and saturated the car seat. A few select chunks had made their way out of the car and were pooled in the gutter.

The officers shook the sleeping beauty awake, taking extra care not to get vomit on their hands, and collected the out-of-towner’s information. Hoping not to have to arrest him, the deputies asked if the defeated reveler had any friends who could assist him.

The puking prince told them José would come to his rescue and he pulled out his phone to dial him. However, after shouting his name several times, the officers asked to see the phone and discovered the soiled young man had never dialed the number.

With no José, the deputies had no recourse but to arrest the young man. A few untimely upchucks notwithstanding, the intoxicated tourist was transferred without incidence to the Santa Barbara County Jail where he was housed, pending sobriety.

Fast Times at Estero Park

Sat Jan. 16, 3:54 a.m. – Deputies working the late shift were intrigued when they spotted a car parked in Estero Park with its lights on.

The officers, making sure not to stand in the pile of sick located beside the car door, shined their flashlights into the vehicle and saw two rather young-looking occupants, one a man and one a woman. A simple tap on the window didn’t wake the slumbering out-of-towners, however, nor did aggressive banging.

The IVFP doesn’t employ quitters, though, and after nearly two minutes of trying, the deputies were able to wake the sloppy sleepers. What was awaiting them inside the car, however, no one can be trained for.

First was the smell, horrid and acidic. Next the visual, two young bodies covered entirely in their own puke. Vomit was in their hair, on their clothing, covering their seats and pooled on the floor.

Two grown adults could live with such an experience – at least their parents wouldn’t have to know. But these vomit-covered visitors were not so lucky: each was only 16 years of age.

Slightly taken aback, the deputies arrested the pair and transferred them to the Santa Maria Juvenile Hall, where they were housed, pending a serious ass-whopping from the ‘rents.