The Audacity of Douche
Fri Jan. 8, 11:15 p.m. – Officers on patrol Friday night were directed towards the corner of Del Playa Drive and Camino Lindo on reports of vehicular vandalism.

Minutes earlier, a young man was driving down the 6800 block of DP when a drunken savage came out of nowhere and leaped onto the roof of his car. Taken aback, the driver stepped on the gas and then abruptly hit the brakes in the hopes of shaking the crazed reveler, but succeeded only in shifting his body onto the hood.

Reacting to this boorish move by the driver, the inebriated cowboy stood up on the hood, shouted “What the fuck?!” and slammed his heel through the front windshield, shattering it instantly.

The deputies arrived some minutes later, and, thanks to their superb training, were able to track down the suspect without difficulty. It was made easier, however, by the fact that their man had managed to fall asleep while standing.

The officers woke the 20-year-old Menlo Park resident and put him in handcuffs. Having been read his Miranda rights, the vandal turned to the officer and said, “I would like to know what I’m being charged with.” The deputy explained that kicking through a windshield is in fact a crime, to which the suspect replied, “I just want to know what I’m being charged with.”

Despite several explanations, the inebriated man was unable to comprehend why he was arrested. Nonetheless, the audacious young man was transferred to the Santa Barbara County Jail, where he was housed, pending sobriety.

How Not to Win Him Back
Thu Jan. 7, 1:15 a.m. – Deputies on patrol were called to an apartment at 760 Embarcadero del Mar early Thursday on reports that an especially intoxicated young lady refused to leave her ex’s abode.

The officers arrived and found the inebriated 21-year-old in the living room searching for something. She told the deputies she wouldn’t leave without her cell phone battery, but after a moving good cop/bad cop routine, the officers were able to convince her otherwise.

Love is a difficult beast to break, however. An hour and a half later, the deputies received another call saying that the girl had returned, this time with even more alcohol on her breath. The deputies arrived and escorted her out of the apartment and down the stairs.

At first refusing to answer any questions, the UCSB student quickly changed tactics and demanded that the officers take her to jail. To prove she was serious, she then ordered them to do so.

Happy to oblige, the deputies took her to the I.V. substation, where she insisted they give her a breathalyzer test. The deputy instructed her that was not necessary, but she continued to demand one.

The issue was put to rest, however, when the officers transferred her to the Santa Barbara County Jail, where she was housed, pending sobriety.