The ability to listen to the stars is both a blessing and a curse, but now that I got Ashton Kutcher to shut up, I am able to peer into the future. May these horoscopes guide you well.

Aries: March 21 – April 19
Your attempt to disprove “beer before liquor, never been sicker” will end in disaster this weekend, both for you and your family.

Taurus: April 20 – May 20
Where that smell is coming from is anyone’s guess, but it might have something to do with your game of “let’s see how long I can go without buying new soap.”

Gemini: May 21 – June 21
The drunken hookup with your cousin will turn into just another funny story when the test proves you are definitely not pregnant.

Cancer: June 22 – July 22
The $20 you find on the ground will prove handy when paying for your $45 parking ticket.

Leo: July 23 – Aug. 22
34, 27, 6, 53, 8 and Mega number 12. Just trust me.

Virgo: Aug. 23 – Sept. 22
Sure, buy it, but you will soon learn that the only thing Axe Chocolate attracts is raccoons.

Libra: Sept. 23 – Oct. 23
Joy will mix with horror this week when your parents sit you down and say that while they’ve decided to get back together, it’s just a “friends with benefits” thing.

Scorpio: Oct. 24 – Nov. 21
You’ve been following the instructions of others when you should have been just listening to yourself. In next week’s horoscope, the stars tell you exactly how to do this.

Sagittarius: Nov. 22 – Dec. 21
Live every day as if it were your last: crying, screaming and begging God for forgiveness.

Capricorn: Dec. 22 – Jan. 19
Venus will shine a little more brightly this week, which means it’s still basically impossible to see.

Aquarius: Jan. 20 – Feb. 18
Time heals all wounds, but I would still recommend a visit to the hospital after your devastating loss in “shirts v. skins” fencing.

Pisces: Feb. 19 – March 20
An unexpected run-in with your ex will remind you of how much you’ve been neglecting your drug and alcohol addictions.