Living in a college town, we see a lot of weird shit go down. Just ask the poor, innocent alcoholics who’ve been ticketed for peeing in public, puking in public, fighting in public and even that lewdest of lewd acts. The display of promiscuity that would shock any well bred lady or gentleman: sex in public. The subject has piqued my interest since the scorching hookup scene in “8 Mile” when Eminem hoists Brittany Murphy up against a wall without even bothering to strip down. Ssssssizzle.

Exploring someone’s body, basking in the glow of satisfying copulation… it’s all well and good until things get downright dull. As I’ve learned, familiarity can lead to a sense of security. It can also lead to four straight rounds of doggy style, during which he repeatedly gets off and you examine your cuticles. I’ll pass. If you want to maintain a sexual relationship, novelty is crucial. And so we come to our point: Do it somewhere new.

One of the great things about UCSB is the abundance of nooks. We’ve heard about the magic of the library. And yes, those bookshelves are practically asking to be used as support devices. But after three consecutive years of students voting Davidson Library as the best place on campus to get freaky, I’m hoping to instill a little more originality in our co-eds. The photo lab on campus could be the perfect place to develop a priceless moment. Word on the street is the gymnastics room has a foam pit! Sudden inspiration to practice your tumbling, anyone? For those couples brave enough to venture off campus, why not ride the swings together during your play date in the park or go downtown in downtown Santa Barbara? It’s important to be involved in your partner’s work — visit him at his swanky restaurant job and get the private tour. You might find that stockrooms hold more gadgets and gizmos than Ariel’s underwater cavern.

If the thought of shagging outside the comfort of your comforter sends you into an anxious frenzy, or if you fear that sun exposure may cause your skin to sparkle, worry not. There are alternatives to the bedroom that do not require complete immersion into the public sphere. Convince a hottie living oceanside DP to Sperm Whale-watch. If you’re lucky enough to own a set of wheels — which I will assume you’ve already christened — explore Santa Barbara’s more isolated destinations. I know you have it in you to make those hills come alive.

Hooking up in public is not difficult. Skirts facilitate a stealth entry process and a practical concealing device if you’re interrupted. As for the men, learn how to buckle and unbuckle your belt within a 2-4 second time slot. If you find yourself with the opportunity to get freaky fast, but you’re rocking Lady GaGa full-bodied jumpsuit, never fear. Just make sure the door is locked up tight before you whip out your Kermit the Frog puppet.

Is it worth the risk, you ask? As a sex-in-public advocate, I must tell you that the adrenaline rush is a natural high. There is something dangerously sexy about hooking up just a closed door away from oblivious diners enjoying their filet mignon. I’m not saying it’s easy to quickly remove the tights, tutu and bike shorts that make up your Madonna Halloween costume while pinned against the bathroom wall in Blush, but it just might make you feel like a virgin all over again.

Sex Position of the Week
Erotic Accordion:

The guy lies on his back and lifts his knees to his chest. The girl straddles his hips and squats down. Her thighs should be hugging his, and then she lowers herself onto him.