Great news: The Weatherhuman found your keys! Weird, right? It’s like your 15 minutes of fame (sorry you had to waste it on this). I figure you may be reading this outside in the cold, using newspapers for warmth, because unfortunately for you, I have your house, car and bike keys. What do I know about you? Basically everything; I’m sort of a detective. First of all, you’re not going anywhere quickly. Also, you take a psych class on Tuesdays. I know you like the bottle, I know what kind of car you drive, and I bet you’re hating life right now, what with being unable to unlock stuff. Here’s hoping you have a roommate.

Tomorrow’s Forecast: Like I said before, people: best interests at heart. Whether you lose things, have an Asian ‘thing’ or have the habit of carrying open alcoholic things, I’m on your team. Now e-mail me and we can figure out my reward.