Hey yo’s. Dear Igor is back with two new relevant and universally relatable questions. Keep sending your queries to dearigor@gmail.com, although I should make it clear that I require all correspondence to be in text format. That includes you, anonymous girl who sent me a picture of her boobs. 

When Neighbors Piss You off, Piss on Their Faces

Dear Igor,

So basically, my neighbors are peeing in my yard. We live in a duplex — one apartment on top of the other — with my neighbors living on top. Our units are both one-bathrooms, so my guess is that whenever the toilet is in use, instead of waiting, they just head downstairs and straight to the backyard. No big deal, right? Oh wait, except for my bedroom looks out to the backyard, so I get to both hear and smell their urine. This is super disgusting, but my biggest concern is that soon they’re going to move past just doing number one. They think no one knows about their dirty deeds. Do you have any suggestions on how I can make this stop? 
Thanks,
Nauseated Neighbor

Dear Nauseated,

Neighbors’ pee-pee making you pissed? I hear you. It can’t be nice having to listen to the soft pitter-patter of their tinkle’s splatter. You need to get your revenge before it’s too late, but I’m going to need you to trust me, because this might be a little outside your comfort zone. First, head upstairs, chat it up with the neighbors for a bit and casually drop that you think there might be a raccoon peeing in the backyard. Leave it at that. For the next week, have you and your housemates collect as much of your urine as possible into jars (or whatever. It could be Tupperware. The container doesn’t matter). Then, in the morning, at night, or even during the day when you know they’re not there, go up and pour your pee on their deck and front door. Repeat this for several days. Finally, leave a note by their door that says, “I know you’ve been peeing in the yard. It’s not OK. If I see your wee-wee one more time I’m going to piss on your face. Sincerely, “The Backyard Raccoon.” 

Don’t Let Weird Roommate Cockblock your Studying

Dear Igor,

I have a great roommate. He’s an extremely clean, respectful and studious guy. There’s this one little thing, though, that I just can’t handle, and I have no idea what to do about it. All I know is I can’t live with it. My roommate has earphones he uses while doing homework that he thinks are completely soundproof, but they’re not and I can hear exactly what he’s listening to. He’s listening to porn. I’m talking hard-core moaning and screaming stuff. I look over, and he has his math textbook in front of him, but he’s just sitting there staring at it with wide eyes as I hear what sounds like a woman getting mauled. Please help. 
Thanks,
Frightened Roommate

Dear Frightened,

This is a difficult situation, but there is a way out: you need to out-weird your roommate. Usually I would advocate sitting down and talking things through, but in this case you need to give him a taste of his own medicine. While he is in the room, call your significant other or an open-minded friend and slowly ease into phone sex. At first, make it sound like you’re not really comfortable with it, but then get really, really explicitly into it. Haha! That’ll show him, won’t it?

No, it won’t. I can’t believe you were going to do that. Your roommate is trying to be a good guy by wearing earphones, and that’s still not good enough for you. What’s the big deal? Let the guy listen to some porn. Put some music on or something, and everything will be fine. But if his hand drifts from his writing utensil to his loving utensil notify me immediately. I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable in your own room.