There is a problem in this community so rampant that it affects both sexes and should be of utmost concern. I am talking about creepers. They are the eerie people at parties that peer out over the tops of red cups with vacant eyes, like some sort of mentally-handicapped bird of prey. Male or female, creepers are what I believe to be the missing link between normal homo-sapiens and your everyday, garden-variety douche bag.

The most important thing when it comes to creepers is identification. Spotting a creeper can be difficult whilst being creeped on, but from a third person perspective, the characteristic behavior becomes obvious: The retreat into a corner for undisturbed observation. The constant repositioning as a target moves through the crowd. Most of all, the unwavering gaze, as if it were Superman discovering heat vision. If you have suspicions, enlist your friends to monitor the situation.

If you’re at a party and realize you’ve become the creeping target of that weird guy in the corner, don’t let it ruin your night. You can always take the easy, non-confrontational way out of the situation and leave the party. This is probably the best route to take if you don’t really know the people throwing the party–you don’t want to risk accusing the hosts or their friends of being creepers if you plan on milking that free source of Natty. If for some reason you don’t want to leave the party just yet, flirt with creeperhood yourself and grab another guy and act like you are really into him. This will crush the creeper’s fragile ego and make him sulk off in silence, or at least turn his crazy-eyes stare on someone else.

My recommended method, however, is a bit less subtle. You see, creepers thrive on anonymity. Point them out to the whole room and the jig is up. Just act drunker than you are (or take some shots until you are actually drunk) and pretend to suddenly notice the creeper across the room. Shake a few friends by the shoulders and yell, “Who the FUCK is that guy?” Next, get in his face and ask, “Who do you know that lives here? Who ARE you?” over and over until he either leaves on his own or gets thrown out. One caveat though, only try this method if you know the hosts pretty well, because otherwise “Who is that guy?” will turn into “Who are you?”

Despite opinions to the contrary, girls creep on guys all the time. However, between a typical girl’s skill at covert observation and an average guy’s low standards, no one usually complains about this phenomenon. It may be a sociological double standard, but girls just get away with it. I have personally witnessed ridiculous behavior that would get a guy thrown in jail before he could say, “Hey, baby.” If a girl pulls the aforementioned shenanigans, you can tell her to bounce, call some friends or CSOs to get her and sleep well knowing you got a girl home safely, or if she’s sober and consenting, you can just grant her wish. Then everyone is laid and happy.

When guys are creepy, it’s a totally different story. A lot of guy creepers have no shame and will continue to creep on you even after you’ve called them out on it. This kills parties, makes women worried for their safety, and generally promotes a poor image for men campus-wide.

Creepers can be anyone: your friends, neighbors, roommates. Given enough alcohol, maybe even you can be a creeper. Just remember these actions don’t make Isla Vista a more comfortable place for people of either sex to kick it. So, next time you see one of your friends blankly eye-fucking a stranger, bring them to their senses and spare them the shame of being the creep at the party.