High score: 20,000 by Wilt “The Stilt” Chamberlain. That’s right, 20,000. There are students here from cities smaller than that. Just to do a little math, the Stilt died at age 63. Multiply that by 365 days in a year and you get 22,995 days Wilt spent on this earth, roughly. That works out to be a different woman every day since he was 8 years old. Effin’ A. Not even Gene Simmons, who comes in at 4,600 and is 6th on the list, comes close, and he’s had a significant other for the past 20 years. None of this should come as a surprise, since Wilt was known for putting up obnoxiously large numbers during his NBA career. Since most of us aren’t 7 feet tall and the most dominant basketball player of our generation, it might be depressing to think that we will never be as “studly” as a basketball sensation, a legendary rockstar or the founder of Playboy. But not to worry, fellas. Maxim lists its number one as Umberto Billo, a former porter at the Venetian Hotel in Las Vegas who claims to have slept with 8,000 women. Shit, I don’t think I’ve known 8,000 women throughout my life. But to sleep with that many? I know the guys reading this are thinking, “Well, that’s awesome, but I’ve got some catching up to do.” And the girls are thinking, “That’s disgusting.” Actually, you’re both right. While these stats are nuts (no pun intended), the craziest thing is that only one person on Maxim’s Top 10 list is HIV+ (Magic Johnson – 1,000). I suggest that you do not try to copy the escapades of these men. Not only do you run the risk of catching something truly gnarly and making your Johnson not-so- magic, but if you settle down at some point to have a family, the “What’s your number?” conversation will eventually arise and your potential significant other will probably vomit all over you upon hearing your answer. In fact, unless you have achieved untouchable star status, 99.99 percent of women will probably be disgusted by your most-likely nuclear wang. Hell, I wouldn’t want to go for those kinds of crazy numbers even if I was a celebrity. It’s not like before the AIDS epidemic, when most people on Maxim’s list got down with their numerous conquests. You just can’t pull the same sort of shenanigans these days without running a risk of hooking up with some cutie that turns out to be a burner. My advice to all you would-be Wilts out there is to keep it well under 100 if you have to be a man whore. One false move and it’s game over for good. And not to worry, ladies, I didn’t forget about you. While we’re discussing high scores and what I would presume would be the “icky” topic of man whorishness, let’s examine female numbers. The social climate is changing in your favor, and while you’ll never be able to be “The Man” in the studly sense, it doesn’t mean you have to subject yourself to a life of celibacy. Consider it empowering that you can put notches on your respective belts and not be judged like it’s a 17th century witch hunt. My advice to you in this matter, though, is to take more precautions when racking up your personal high score. It’s easier for women to catch an STI than it is for men. Bacteria thrive in dark, moist places and can lead to all sorts of smelly, funky conditions that I’m sure you want no part of. So to all you Gaucholos, take my suggestions with a grain of salt, and hopefully not with a shot of penicillin.
- Science & Tech
- On the Menu
- Daily Stench
- La Vista
No no the craziest thing is that someone on this campus actually reads Maxim
the punniest thing i have ever heard! all you would be wilt’s, keep it under 100! because he scored 100 points in a game!! OH HAHA HOHO HAHAHEEHEE