Dear Freshmen,

If you find yourself buried in a map like the newbie you are and trying to decide where a one “Campbell Hall” can be found, I pity your existence. You’re in for 10 weeks of hell in arguably the most horrific excuse for a lecture hall on the West Coast to be spent with 860 of your closest friends. What’s that? You can’t tell whether what’s being projected on the screen is Calculus or Human Sexuality? Suck it up, I welcome you to your new home.

Love,
Your Weatherhuman

Tomorrow’s Forecast: Judging by the shitshow you put on this weekend tramping it up all over I.V., you may not be in a state suitable for class anyway (i.e., coherent, upright, alive). We call that a case of the Mondays.