The time is here again for the dorms to fill up with new students and for the gaggle of coeds to come flocking back to I.V. The first few weeks of school are always the most exciting. For those of you just joining the never ending good time that is UCSB, there are a few helpful tidbits that you should know (about fucking) before embarking on what will inevitably be an epic 4-plus year journey.

The dorms will help out with meeting new people. These people will be from all different backgrounds, races, religions and sexual persuasions. I don’t know about you, but I dig a buffet. I suggest you open yourself up to the possibility of having a great time with whomever you please. Now, not everyone in the dorms will be “single,” but these are just details that you shouldn’t worry about. My experiences have taught me that most of the people who come to school with a significant other make it to roughly Winter Quarter. Don’t let that stop you, though. If the object of your affection is taken, that means you only have one person to compete with. And they’re most likely hundreds of miles away.

Once you meet a willing partner for sexual escapades, the next problem will be where to get down. Upon first consideration, your dorm room will seem like the best option, but roommates complicate things, and those goddamn extra long twin beds suck ass for getting freaky. All it takes is a roommate with a World of Warcraft addiction to ruin what could be some quality sucky-fucky. Come to an agreement on this as soon as possible. Since I feel it’s best to get the important things out of the way first, it was one of the first five things my roommate and I discussed. Get a subtle hint that one of you is fucking, anything that doesn’t include a picture of some sort drawn on your whiteboard, unless you want your whole hall to figure out that the big smiley star means you’re getting it on. If your roommate is an anti-social douchebag that refuses to let you get privacy, you can either disregard their presence and put on a show or find elsewhere to get buck wild.

Since you can’t Swedish wheelbarrow in an extra long twin bed, you might choose to take your own personal college fuck fest out of your room and onto the rest of our beautiful campus. A friend of mine got a beej on the roof of one of the new buildings that were under construction across from Rob Gym last year. If you like to get head while taking in a beautiful view, I suggest the library’s eighth floor. It has a large window that looks out on campus and the ocean, but the downside is that the elevator opens up to the best spot to fuck. For more privacy, shittier views and a pile of books to get nasty on, move it down two floors to a corner of the sixth floor.

Another nice option is the shower. Most dorms here have communal showers down the hall from your room. These are not great in the way of privacy, although a couple of dorms are set up to help you make sex wetter and better. FT… excuse me, Santa Catalina, makes transitioning from bed to shower simple with in-suite bathrooms. This is great in the event that you want to move things to the shower mid-hookup. Manzanita Village’s showers are spacious, but if you get your partner screaming, that shit will echo throughout the whole floor.

I can list off all sorts of places you aren’t familiar with yet for all you new Gauchos to get nasty, but that would take the excitement out of being creative and adventurous with your new classmates. From the beach (which generally has too much seaweed and bugs) to the bathrooms, UCSB has a plethora of spots to let your freak nasty out. Use your imagination and you’ll be fine. Oh, and check out the elevators next to the BARC Office.