The untimely death of legendary infomercial pitchman Billy Mays has underlined the disillusionment of the American consumer; without Billy to tell us what to buy, the choice between spending on useless material goods and sound investments has never been so difficult. Perhaps it is an insecure habit that gives Americans comfort in delusions of longevity, to deny recession and downturn by purchasing temporary material comforts like Oxiclean and Gazelle workout machines. Or, more optimistically, perhaps Americans’ penchant for Chia Pets over health care is not a result of misplaced priorities but of clever and effective sales pitches.

If the latter scenario is true, then to sell the desperately-needed and cost-effective Kennedy Health Care Bill to impressionable Americans, Obama will need to dump his signature lofty rhetoric in place of something a little more American: infomercial pitches! When Congress returns from break, I’d like to see Obama’s weekly YouTube address deliver the same old message in a whole new (and improved) style. Obama’s trustworthy teleprompter could read as follows:

Are you one of the 47 million uninsured Americans? Are you one of the insured who has seen your premiums double over the last eight years? Would you prefer not to die because a medical precondition inhibited you from receiving insurance? Well, now you don’t have to! I am proud to introduce the Kennedy Health Care Bill! The Kennedy Health Care Bill will lower medical premiums that are responsible for half of all personal bankruptcies in the U.S.! Worried about increased taxes? Forget it! The bill will actually lower the national deficit before 2019 by ridding the health system of loopholes and inefficiencies. This legislation is the culmination of decades of work in Washington and is now available to you for a limited time offer at an unbeatable price!

But wait, there’s MORE! Under my bill, if you like your employer-based health care insurance, you can keep it. Content with your private health insurance? You can keep that too, while your costs decrease by as much as $2,500 per year! And guess what? If you don’t have insurance, you’ll have a choice of new, affordable public options comparable to what U.S. Senators receive!

Sound like socialism? Au contraire! My bill introduces competition to the few insurance companies who have monopolized the market. In fact, there have been over 400 health care mergers in the last 10 years that have caused just two companies to dominate a full third of the national market!.

We Democrats recognize that first jobs after college rarely offer health benefits, so as an added bonus, we’ll let you college kids and post-grads stay covered under your parents’ private plans until you’re 26. That’s right, order Kennedy Health Care from your local representative now and mooch off of your parents for six more years, FREE!

Don’t wait! Call Lois Capps at (805)730-1710 and tell her that you want reform TODAY!