Forgive me if the title “Fixies Are for Douchebags” is too rash – I wanted it to be “Riders of Fixed- Gear Bikes are Skinny Jean Wearing Tools and I Want to Ghost Ride their Bikes off a Cliff,” but, according to the editor, that would be “grossly inappropriate.”

Now let me explain. I have yet to fight anyone over this hatred and, in fact, I have several friends that ride “fixies,” but, as I learned from an early age from the saint that is my mother, just because your friends do something doesn’t make it ok for you to do the same. So let’s attack this problem scientifically.

1. Speed kills.

Now I love Tom Cruise circa Top Gun as much as the next guy, but the “need for speed” died along with Goose in a training mission over Miramar, California. (Too soon?) How quickly do you feel you need to get from your house to class? Now, I am no scientist or anything but how about you leave, say, ten minutes before class and travel at a normal speed on the bike path instead of “taking it to the limit” and zooming by all us regulars on beach cruisers, because you decided to leave 35 seconds before your first class.

2. Brakes are good.

You do know that freshmen ride bikes, right? More specifically, the freshmen girls who have caused, in a conservative estimate, 300,000 bike accidents this year. Yet even with these freshman death seekers on the bike path riding like a drunken Helen Keller, you still feel that it is a good idea to get a bike without brakes. Really? I mean, I’m a little embarrassed for getting a cruiser without fenders for the rain (boy was my face red), but even my cheap ass sprung for some brakes. In fact, why would one even invent a bike without brakes? I’d like to hit a wiffle ball at that guy’s balls (wiffle ball + nuts= comic genius).

3. You don’t look cool.

I understand that you want to express yourself, but dropping $1,000 to make sure that your rims match your handle bar grips isn’t going to bring back your girlfriend. In fact, neither are those skinny black jeans or that Affliction T-shirt. She left you because you look like a pre-pubescent girl, and because a sexy 6’3”, athletic stud, who is far wittier than you, and who likely has a bigger Johnson, just rode by on a shitty black beach cruiser of which she is very sure he doesn’t give a shit about. (Oh, what’s up ladies? Why yes, I am single.)

In closing, I will leave you with a recent, yet very fond, memory that I formed while wandering drunk in downtown Denver. A typical fixie rider was attempting to ride his bike home drunk, and after pedaling once, proceeded to lose his balance and eat shit in the middle of the street. After making sure he was alright and watching him shamefully walk away with a mangled fixie on his shoulder, my friends and I, as well as a few policemen standing nearby, had a solid chuckle. Which brings me to my final point: you can’t ride a fixie drunk but those beach cruisers practically ride themselves home (I know from experience. Haha, just kidding… seriously though).

So beware fixed-gear fairies, because if I ever catch up to one of you guys riding by at mach-3 like you’re Lance Armstrong, I will not hesitate to test your backwards pedaling skills as I careen all over the bike path like the freshman girl that I am at heart (Did I say that out loud?… Oh god).