When Stupidity Wins Out
Sat., May 2, 11:17 p.m. – The bumping rhythms emanating from the balcony of the Marley House – 6566 Del Playa Dr. – piqued the interest of the Isla Vista Foot Patrol.

With a raucous group ahead, the officers made their way through the crowd and to the stairwell where they found their first victim: a minor with an open beer.

But the real prize was just starting to make his way down the stairs. With a bottle of Andre’s sparkling wine in one hand and a cigar in the other, the sunglass-clad 18-year-old was too cool for his own good. The officers stopped the hipster and asked his age. After briefly hesitating, he told the officers he was 21.

The deputies weren’t fooled, however, and asked to see his ID. The champagne sipper reached for his wallet, paused and then decided it was better to just run. Wine still in hand, he pushed past the officers and sprinted onto DP.

The officers immediately gave chase, and even tried to taser the sprinting bro, though unsuccessfully. The deputies did manage to spot him zipping into a backyard on Sabado Tarde, and after some cunning police work, officers apprehended the inebriated young man.

The deputies then escorted him to their patrol car and drove him toward the Santa Barbara County Jail. While in transit, the defeated SBCC student spontaneously told the officers that he only ran because he thought he was going to be arrested. Officers promptly informed him that he would have only received a citation.

“So you mean I would have just gotten a ticket?” asked the dismayed reveler just before being booked into the jail, where he was housed, pending sobriety.

Don’t Forget to Flush
Sun., May 3, 2:56 a.m. – Employees working the Saturday night shift at Silvergreens Restaurant were all set to go home when they found a surprise in the bathroom.

There, slouched over the toilet, lay a young woman sound asleep. Attempts to rouse her proved ineffective and the tired-eyed employees instead sought the help of Isla Vista’s finest.

The officers arrived some minutes later and were led into the bathroom. There the officers found the 20-year-old sleeping blissfully upon the white ceramic seat, her hair mussed and her pants still around her ankles. She had, it appeared, fallen asleep in the act of peeing.

So intoxicated was the UCSB student, however, that it took the officers several minutes to wake her from her drunken stupor. Only after lifting her head and vigorously shaking her arm did she even respond.

Having finally succeeded in rousing her, the deputies attempted to retrieve some basic information. The sloppy sleeper, however, was unable to form coherent words and instead took to spitting repeatedly on the floor.

With that, the officers arrested the drunken squatter. She was later transported to the Santa Barbara County Jail where she was housed, pending sobriety.

The Hurricane
Mon., May 11, 12:42 a.m. – Officers were dispatched to 6690 Abrego Rd. on reports that a heavily tattooed man was wreaking havoc at the apartment complex.

A result copious amounts of alcohol and too much testosterone, the inebriated man was a walking disaster. According to the reporting party, the 23-year-old had been breaking glass bottles and smashing bikes, apparently just for the fun of it.

When the deputies arrived, they found the San Jose native with his pants down urinating on the door to an apartment. The pugnacious pisser was cognizant enough to notice the officers, however, and quickly sucked up the pain and turned off the nozzle.

Having easily found their suspect, the deputies took a moment to check their surroundings. It was as if a tornado had ripped through the apartment complex, with broken glass strewn in every corner and several bikes submerged in the pool.

Despite being the only person in the vicinity, the self-professed musician adamantly denied having caused any of the destruction. The officers weren’t fazed and arrested the man anyway.

He was then transported to the Santa Barbara County Jail where he was housed, pending sobriety.