The I.V. Foot Patrol recently lead the charge to ban drinking on the beaches in Isla Vista and, through a massive dissemination of fear, convinced everyone that Floatopia would end all life as we know it. In reality, this ban just gives them six months to practice the only thing they’re good at: enforcing alcohol laws. Have you ever had your house broken into or something stolen from you? The majority of people I’ve spoken to have found that the police here could care less about you or the crimes you have been a victim of… unless of course you’re holding a red cup. With that said, it is clear that the best way to say “Fuck You!” to these ridiculous new laws and the leaders who imposed them upon us is to get even more fucked up while simply making it appear like you’re playing by the rules.

Since it’s been established that the only thing that the police in Isla Vista are capable of is enforcing alcohol violations, why not venture out into other realms of recreation, or for that matter, reality? While it’s tough to beat taking a couple cold brews down to the beach, the coast provides a perfect setting for any other “trip” down there. The colors, sounds and smells of the beach are perfect for a nice walk while under the influence of certain things, such as the mysterious magic mushrooms. If any cops happen to be walking on the beach, wasting our tax dollars, do not get scared because I’m pretty sure alcohol is the only illegal drug in Isla Vista. Nature, including beaches both in and outside of I.V., is ideal for shrooming, but those looking to see some extra trippy shit should also check out the cornucopia of hiking trails in the mountains of Santa Barbara. I would save this trip for once the fire is put out of course, as safety is the most important concern when undergoing some good old-fashioned mind expansion.

If nature isn’t your thing, then spending the day tripping out in the familiar territory of I.V. is sure to give you a new perspective on your everyday life. Consume some psychedelic substances in the comfort and privacy of your own home and then go for a stroll. Conversations you have with friends you see walking around might be a tad awkward or confusing but you’ll take note of all the little things you usually miss. Pretty much everything you see or hear in Isla Vista is something you experience everyday, so why not see things in a whole new light for once? Just don’t wander into that new multimillion dollar jail facility because the cops are liable to panic and arrest you for drunk-in-public.

When nighttime rolls around, the only way to protect yourself from the crusade against alcohol is to simply, like I said, play by the rules and not drink as much alcohol. Before heading over to that techno party go ahead and take some ecstasy or LSD. While you’re dancing and having a great time, other people are going to be stuck in line for another shot of Taaka. They probably won’t even have any Cactus Cooler to chase it with. I love alcohol more than anyone, but I must say that UCSB and the IVFP’s campaign against drinking has presented us with a great opportunity to branch out and really explore what this world has to offer.

So next time you’re having a great time and really just loving life at some party, but all of a sudden you’re forced to stop dancing with that hottie you’ve been grindin’ on for the past two songs because it’s midnight, do not accept that the party needs to stop. Instead, simply say “fuck the police” and these bullshit restrictions and then proceed to do a bunch of cocaine in order to make sure the party won’t stop for at least a couple more hours. And as always, don’t forget to smoke a fat blunt before you pass out.