Our consumer culture affects even our most basic needs. We drive to Wal-Mart and pay 2000-fold to have someone encase our tap water in a plastic bottle. We import apples from New Zealand, while fruit from our neighbors’ trees rots on the ground.

Though I struggle to think of anything truer to our tree-dwelling, twig-eating ancestors than sex, we have somehow managed to turn that into a giant consumer-fest as well. But humans will be humans, so suggesting that you shelf your Double-D Delilah doll in exchange for doin’ it in the dirt may be too much to ask. However, in the spirit of Earth Day, it certainly wouldn’t hurt to be a little more mindful of our carbon bedprint. Here are some tips on how to put your pecker in greener pastures, while barely changing up your game.

You’ve gotten her through your front door, and she’s cuddling close on the sofa. How can you ignite the mood? Local organic wine. It may be a bit more expensive, but when she hears the wine is made with certified organic grapes, without synthetic fertilizers, the production of which uses a high amount of energy, pesticides or herbicides, with only naturally occurring sulfides that keep the overall sulfide level lower than 100 parts per minute, she’ll be on you like soy cheese on a soy cracker. Score.

Now she’s in your room. Turn out the lights, playa. Yes, sex in the dark isn’t just for ugly people. Flipping the switch off before you flip hers on saves precious energy, not to mention precious cash. If she’s got a piercing you’ve got to see to believe, no need to shake your vengeful fist at the green gods just yet. A room full of natural wax candles can aid the romantic gaze — minus the romantic toxins you’d be inhaling with each gasp.

If you two need some inspiration to get your rhythm going, you’re in luck — porn has evolved to accommodate our planet in need. Case in point: www.fuckforforest.com It’s more than hairy, dread-donning hippies smacking mosquitoes off each other while fucking in trees. Hailing from Norway, the founders of this site draw a direct correlation to society’s poor relationship with the earth to its poor relationship with sex. Why not double-team the problem by coupling education with fornication? After an on-location rant about the atrocity of deforestation, your hosts will strip down and bury their faces in each other’s genitals, pausing every few seconds to flip off the urban developers in the sky and scream, “Fuck yooooou!”

Now that you’ve got your wind turbine turning, it’s time to seal the deal. But just because you’ve flirted with sexual tree-hugging up to this point doesn’t mean you’re clear to stick your dick in a landfill — this is the part that counts! Wrap your tofu sausage in natural, biodegradable latex. Condomi condoms contain no animal derivatives and no spermicide. Not only does it win with the vegans and environmentalists, but it also wins in global quality accreditations, meaning they match the quality and effectiveness of regular condoms in keeping you from contributing to the problem of overpopulation (of the human species and the chlamydia bacterial species).

It pays to glide green, as well. “Yes Yes Yes” provides an organic alternative to K-Y Jelly, “free of parabens, glycerin, hormones, silicones or petroleum products” linked with yeast infections, cancer and infertility.

Think pro-planet panky requires gadgetless gallivanting? Think again. While you were busy boo-hooing over the environmentalists’ criticism of your mass-produced, plastic-wrapped, child labor-made, toxic rubber Rabbit Pearl, innovative minds were busy chipping away at your sorry-ass excuses not to go green. Solar powered vibrators reduce electrical and alkaline guilt from your good time and the Twisted Monk Bondage Starter Kit will ensure that you never underestimate the strength of hemp rope again.

Continue your eco-erotic transition by searching through www.ivillage.com, www.takepart.com and visiting super sexy Oily Cassandra at www.oilrelease.com/. We’re experiencing some turbulent times, and I’ll be damned if my sex life dwindles as fast as our natural resources.