Due to a grossly incompetent, underweight, allegedly male opinion editor who shall remain nameless, today’s weather comes to us from the past. Like, yesterday.

Why is it that no matter which direction you’re going, the wind is always against you? And I mean really against you. It’s gotten to the point where I’m seriously considering stealing a golf kart, just so I can have electricity do the work that I’m too lazy to do for me. Couldn’t this wind be put to more focused, productive shit, like knocking over those dumb A.S. sandwich boards? Screw it, I’m the Weatherhuman — I’ll just knock them over myself.

Tomorrow’s forecast: “But without the sandwich boards, how will we know who to vote for?”