Sometimes I swear squirrels are out to get me. That isn’t crazy, is it? Like really, you never have that feeling? I don’t know… something about the way they scatter whenever you come near, only to reconvene again a safe distance away. What are they plotting over there? I bet it’s an ingenious plan to jump out into the road and make me swerve into a tree or a telephone pole or maybe Pita Pit. Fortunately for me though, and unbeknownst to them — I’m a negligent driver. I’ll be too busy texting to even see you running out there, you little bastard.

Tomorrow’s forecast: The squirrels regroup and form an alliance with the raccoons to rummage through and eat I.V.’s most valuable garbage.