The City of Love?
Sat. Feb. 14, 10:20 p.m. – Love may well have been in the air Saturday night, but so too was the familiar smell of alcohol-laden partiers.

Deputies working the Valentine’s Day shift were pulled away from their romantic dreams when a clearly intoxicated individual stumbled out of the apartment complex at 6653 Del Playa Drive.

The 18-year-old – who was, not surprisingly, alone and completely hammered – was having a difficult time navigating the parking lot. The officers watched as he stumbled into a parked car, then into a filthy dumpster, back into another parked car and finally out onto the street. There, the pinball wizard continued to run into cars, nearly eating it with every step.

Stepping in, the deputies contacted the lonely partier and escorted him to the curb. There they tried to talk to the young man, who was not from Isla Vista, but quickly ran into a hurdle: the man could barely speak English.

Slightly aghast that he was alone on Valentine’s Day, the officers ascertained that the severely drunk man was French. Lucky for them, a random passerby happened to speak the lovely language and started to translate for the deputies.

The conservation was cut short, however, when the f’ed-up Frenchman leaned over and started to vomit profusely on the sidewalk.

With no other options, the officers arrested the lover-less lover-boy and transported him to the Santa Barbara County Jail where he was housed, pending sobriety.

Under Intoxicated
Sat. Feb. 14, 12:40 a.m. – A man carrying a full glass of amber-colored liquid stepped out onto the 6700 block of Trigo Road and into the sights of Isla Vista’s finest.

Having broken a cardinal rule of drinking in I.V., the inebriated individual made an easy target for the Foot Patrol, who quickly approached him and inquired into the glass’ contents.

Naturally, the 22-year-old turned and started to pour the beverage onto the ground. Unfortunately for him, he was not quick enough and the officer reached out and grabbed the glass.

The deputies asked the visiting Burbank resident what was in the glass, and he claimed he didn’t know. Taking him for a liar, the officers then asked if it was beer or hard alcohol, and, with his back to the corner, he said, “Probably beer.”

Having solved the beverage issue, the deputies then noticed that the man’s shirt was torn from the neckline down, and that his bare, hairless chest was exposed for all to see. The deputies, relying on their deft deduction skills, asked if he had been in a fight and he nodded in agreement, but refused to say with whom.

Moving on, the officers asked the out-of-towner how much he had had to drink, to which he replied, “Honestly, too much.” Taking that as their cue, they arrested the intoxicated reveler. With the cuffs on, they asked if he knew why he had been arrested and he answered, matter-of-factly, “Because I am under intoxicated.”

The deputies then proceeded to escort the man to the station, during which time the -year-old looked down at his shirt, and with a puzzled look, asked how it got torn. The officers told him it was that way when they found him, but he said he didn’t believe them.

The officers didn’t really mind though, because shortly after he was transported to the Santa Barbara County Jail where he was housed, pending sobriety.