“Swallow it down, what a jagged little pill… it feels so good, swimming in your stomach.” Back in 1995, when twirling my sundress to the Weekly Top 40 was the meaning of my 8-year-old life, I unsuspectingly belted these lyrics, and gave my dad a heart attack. “Don’t sing that. You’ll understand it when you’re older,” he insisted.
And for better or worse, he was right. Thanks to Ms. Morissette’s subliminal penetration, a good portion of Generation Y is convinced: you live and you learn, but you haven’t done either until you’ve ingested some jizz.
Alanis’s philosophy aside, let’s get one thing straight: swallowing cum is not natural. While there may be a subculture that considers semen a delicacy and drizzles it on salad (most likely the subculture that bore Sasha Grey), jizz ain’t no Hidden Valley Ranch. I discovered this during my first endeavor, when I heeded my then-boyfriend’s “it’s just salty” assurance. Convinced there was nothing to it, I gulped it all at once… and those little spermies immediately scurried back upstream. Post-fellatio cuddling gave way to a run for the nearest sink and, from facedown in the basin, a loving “You” (hack) “taste” (gag) “good” (retch) “babe.”
For those who have never tried it, I don’t mean to say that swallowing is the devil; it simply takes practice. But before you decide whether or not to go on an intensive semen-stomaching regimen, here’s some of the most common juice regarding the juice.
“Semen is nutritious.” Believe it or not, kiddies, it’s true. Oral sex is much like whacking a nutrient piñata. Semen’s highly concentrated, high-quality protein content makes it comparable to egg whites, and it also contains minerals such as zinc, with traces of calcium, magnesium, and potassium. Although I don’t recommend swapping your daily caloric intake with marathon splooge-slurping, it’s not a bad dietary supplement.
“Semen will make you fat.” Au contraire. A teaspoon of semen contains 5 calories, which means that the average dude expels about 15 calories per load. Because of the sugars that semen comprises, it is likely that it contains a few carbohydrates, but this is insignificant considering the workout you’re getting while bringing your partner to Happyland. When all is blown and done, you’ve burned much more than you’ve consumed.
“You can’t get STDs from swallowing semen.” This is the myth of all myths. The fact of the matter is, semen-swallowing is one of the only sex acts for which there exists no protection. While a condom can safeguard oral sex against diseases, loose semen flowing through the mouth and down the throat can drop its luggage along the way, which may be smuggling the likes of syphilis, gonorrhea, HPV, and HIV. Semen-swallowing is best performed with a steady partner, whom you know to have clean bill of health.
“Men prefer to have their semen swallowed.” Well, duh. Ladies, put yourself in his shoes: your partner has just shot you to the moon, mastering you with the mouth alone. You descend from the cosmos just in time to see your partner drop your mystic gaze, scamper to the bathroom, and hawk every last drop of you. He might as well be shouting, “Cooties, cooties!” and clawing a layer of skin off his tongue.
“It’s a woman’s responsibility to swallow.” That would be a hell and a no. There are more polite ways to spit out or reject semen, such as smiling and discretely spitting it into a tissue, or inviting your partner to come elsewhere on your body. However, a woman is not, under any circumstances, obligated to swallow. And here’s one reason why, gentlemen: you are what you eat, drink and smoke. And forgive us, but we’d rather not consume your Freebirds, Jäeger-bomb and weed-laden love-juice.
If swallowing is of utmost importance, offer to meet your partner halfway by sweetening your semen. Drink fruit juices made of pineapple or citrus fruits to counteract the alkalinity that gives semen a salty, bleach taste. Detox with plenty of water for at least 24 hours prior. Stay away from strong-tasting foods like garlic, onions and asparagus. Avoid strong spices like curry. Skip vegetables in the cabbage family like Brussels sprouts, broccoli and kale. No red meat, alcohol or cigarettes.
Ultimately, the decision to swallow is in the mouth of the potential swallower. One may hate it or love it. If you happen to love it, check out Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes. Just promise to never, ever, invite me to dinner.