So how bout that day off? I hope you used it as productively as I did, sitting inside wishing I could muster up the energy to brave the downpours and actually do something with my life. But no, instead of going to the library or buying groceries, or even doing laundry, I got drunk and watched shitty television. It’s just like Andrew Jackson would have wanted.

Tomorrow’s forecast: The ‘human tries a new pickup line: “Do me, because Bill Clinton would have wanted it that way.” Rousing success.