I got laid this Winter Break. Trust me, this was to everyone’s advantage; all play and no lay makes Jenni a raging psycho. Last year, I stormed my hometown with a permanent stink-eye, obsessively reviewing the names on my shit list. If anyone dared mutter the words “Happy Holidays,” I pointed a gaunt, un-manicured finger at them and wheezed, “You’re next.”
What’s more, I got laid in one of my favorite positions. Sure, there’s missionary, there’s doggy-style, there’s 69, there’s the upside-down-flying-nun-in-church… but yawn – so analog. What’s my position of choice? The spread-eagle-facing-laptop. For those who have yet to do it digital, I’m referring to video chat sex.
Despite what the term may bring to mind, cyber-intimacy is not just for the sexually-deviant shut-in. It is for partners of a particular sexual keenness, with an appetite and curiosity that transcend the physical. Like any Gaucho, I have enough appetite and curiosity to power a third-world country, so last spring I decided to plug in and give it a try.
While studying abroad in Spain, it was much to my dismay that mullet-donning, ass-grabbing, parents’-house-dwelling “macarros” weren’t quite cutting it for me. Homesick and horny, I took to my trusty laptop and my favorite Americano. In the privacy of the paper-thin walls surrounding my home stay bedroom, conversation turned to whispered dirty talk, which then turned to innocent touching, which then turned into the nastiest naked sex-sesh I had ever experienced — my pillow could hardly stifle the shrieks. From then on, I was a certified video sex-addict with an appetite that couldn’t care less about the nine-hour time difference.
Not to bag on the good, old-fashioned face-to-face romp, but isn’t it just so… archaic? I mean, times have changed, and just like sex no longer requires husbands and wives to push their beds together on a designated Wednesday night, it no longer requires partners to be in the same place at the same time. Now, whether you and your special friend are half a world apart or on opposite sides of Isla Vista and too lazy to make the trek, cyberspace has all your bases covered.
If distance isn’t a concern for you, don’t consider yourself a benchwarmer just yet. Video sex can be an exhilarating exercise in self-containment. Like the “no-touching” game in bed, a certain sense of restriction feeds an ever-growing lust, which in turn surrenders to frantic, breathless sex. Video chat can take this concept to the next level – to separate rooms, that is. A few minutes of cyber-experimental foreplay with your partner down the hall will have you banging down each other’s bedroom doors, dying to bang each other.
Can’t wait another minute to embark on your journey to electronic ecstasy? First, you should have the proper equipment – I mean hardware – wait – WEB CAM, yes, Web cam. The higher the quality, the more realistic the simulation. Cheaper cameras can produce a grainy image and make it rather difficult to distinguish facial features, among other important body parts. Next, make sure you are both equipped with the best chat software; Skype has lately proven itself more reliable than AIM, but the new iChat has some kink-friendly features… The green-screen function lets you screw in any location you can imagine. Good connection is key, because a mid-orgasm freeze-up is a bit anti-climactic, to say the least. Wear ear bud headphones with a long cord, which will prevent the mics from making echoes of your grunting and moaning. Lastly, it is extremely necessary to mind the other members of your household before engaging full-force in your virtual sex act. Your roommate walking in to find you sprawled naked before your laptop is not the most comfortable of scenarios… unless that’s what you’re into.
With correct measures taken, an enthusiastic partner, and a hard-working hand (or vibrator), you will be well on your way to an unforgettable virtual adventure. And your parents thought your computer was just for schoolwork!