How many of you are trying to get laid every weekend?

How many of you are trying to get laid every weekend, but failing miserably?

And how many of you have an STD because you’re getting laid way too much?

Here are a couple tips from the bromaster himself:

Make a move, even if you think you’re going to get a kick in the balls, reported to the police or both. Chances are you’re not as much as of a creep as you think you are. Even if you are, who cares?

Get out and dance. It’s very easy to pick up and make out with girls like this. Even if you have a combination of tonsillitis and strep throat for the next two weeks, you’re never gonna forget that hottie who couldn’t resist sticking her tongue down your throat.

Go to the middle of wherever people are dancing and grab the hottest girl there, even if you look like a child molester. This works; I don’t know how or why, but it works. I didn’t shave for four months straight and was still able to get in the middle of the fray looking like Saddam Hussein and grind against some hotties. Don’t worry, nothing bad will happen. I think.

Don’t waste time with the dangerous ones; you know who they are. They will actually report you to the police and kick you in the balls if you look at them wrong or accidentally blow smoke in their face when you’re stoned. That’s trouble you don’t want to deal with. There are many more fish in the sea. You don’t want to wake up next to some Valium-infused Barbie doll who’s gonna have a panic attack as soon as she sees your face, which she doesn’t remember from the night before.

Stand out! Put yourself out there! Who wants to be with that nerdy guy in the glasses bobbin’ his head in the corner? Get on that roof, rip your shirt off and scream bloody murder! Do a flip off the top of the roof (after you’ve ripped your shirt off) onto the middle of the lawn! Chicks dig it! Then start doing the moonwalk all the while singing, “Billie Jean is not my lovaaaa!” Who knows, it might actually work.

If I.V.’s not working for you, leave. Hit up some bars and clubs. If you’re underage, keep track of when there are 18+ nights. Get your mojo back! If you stick around I.V. too often you risk looking like a lurch. Reinvent yourself, then come back as someone new.

Get that phone number every time, even if you’ve only talked to them for a couple seconds. Then text them until you get a date. Don’t be desperate, but also don’t forget you’ve got a number with potential. She made out with you one night, you know you deserve a follow-up!

There have been so many times when I’m out meeting people, where I just ask every girl I meet for her phone number, even if she obviously has a boyfriend. Is she seriously gonna keep that college boyfriend all four years? Come on. Everyone’s screwing everyone else. Get as many phone numbers as possible.

Get behind the mic, start or join a band or just get your voice out there! Be a DJ, even if you don’t have the slightest idea what SoRoTo is. Be the man! The first time I ever got laid in public was after a night of karaoke.

There you go, some tips that will hopefully land you a night of passion, magical goodness and all that awesome stuff.