After two years of attending UCSB, I’ve read enough opinions in the Wednesday Hump. After sitting at the Carrillo Dining Commons with all the ball star athletes and the freshmen that are usually not as hot as the freshmen in De La Guerra, I’ve begun to wonder… is all that shit really what people are doing during the week? Is this what people with their slutty-ass girlfriends or boyfriends who are apparently down for sex tricks like the “Ballcuzzi” or the “Hairy Sasquatch” or “The Flying Dutchman” or all the other random shit you’re always sitting there reading. It tends to leave me thinking, “Who are these people??? And where the fuck can I find some chicks like these???”

Is all this stuff really real? I am not the man to answer that. But what I can say is that sitting on my couch the other night watching “The Wizard of Oz,” the truth instantly became obvious to me as to what normal people actually go through on a regular weekday night (or one of those shameful Saturday ones I know we’ve all had). Ladies, you’ll have to excuse me for leaving you out of the next four paragraphs and addressing only the male readers of the Nexus who are sitting in Carrillo looking at its overly painted walls and weak freshmen selection.

Boys, let’s have a heart to heart. Fact is, I know what most guys’ “Wednesday Hump” consists of after you haven’t gotten play for a while, haven’t beat it for a good, long time or have had a poor weekend turnout. The “hump” consists of a steady, longtime girl by the name of “J-I-L-L.” As in, your thumb and pointer finger as are the J, the middle finger is the I and the ring finger and always powerful pinkie are the Ls coming together to make the best, quickest pussy you’re going to get after finishing your econ class on a Wednesday night and freaking out with a sudden urge of desire.

Next thing you know, the door’s locked and your lotion’s out. Two minutes ago you were wearing jeans and a T-shirt, now you are butt-ass naked sitting on your computer chair, it’s go time and the only thing you are thinking is But the problem is you’re so revved up and of course your fucking Internet is going slow as shit, so as the SpankWire homepage loads, you’re already about to lose your shit and just fuckin’ beat it to the little advertisements loading first on the left and right and top of the screen of some chick just getting drilled or one of those animation pornos of a dick being titty fucked by a pair of huge titties. And you’re just like, “Oh my God! Fucking load already!”

And then, if you’re lucky enough to even make it to the main page, the selections themselves pretty much set you off like a sparkler on the Fourth of July at your uncle’s house in ’97. Suffice to say, you’re already beating it, alternating between watching the green progress bar and all the tits and asses slowly appearing on the screen. You pick a good one rated 4.5 or better, titled something like “Naughty Cowgirl Gets Milked in Barn” or “Amateur Babe Plays With Herself With Showerhead,” pray it gives you a good preview and then just grip it and rip it.

My friends (not to sound like John McCain or anything), this is the reality of the Wednesday Hump. If any of you proud gentlemen disagree, let it be stated henceforth that you and I both know that you are lying to yourselves and burning the great flag that is manhood. Remember boys, in the words of Russell Crowe, a.k.a. the Gladiator — if you find yourself alone riding in green fields with a sun on your face and your dick in your hand and your bare ass on your computer chair, do not be troubled, for you are in Elysium and you have most likely already beat it!