With winter’s freezing 50-degree temps and drizzly moistness fast-approaching, soon only the most hardcore of lightly toasted hoe cakes will be cruising the I.V. streets in miniskirts. For all of you ombrophobes, any rain at all usually means kicking it inside with a movie. But firing up the Betamax doesn’t have to cramp your boozing steez.
Making a drinking game out of any movie is pathetically easy – try drinking at every production error in Future War or take a shot for every unbelievable situation Forrest gets himself into in Forrest Gump. But in the end, getting shitfaced to The Notebook is kiddy stuff. For a true test of your drinking mettle, you need to battle the most beastly boozers Hollywood has to offer.
For the novice, matching movie characters beer for beer and shot for shot is the simplest way to get cinematically sloshed. Trying to out-drink a fictional character makes drinking aggressively personal, and will definitely bring out your best. The Big Lebowski is easily one of the best choices for this type of game, but while smoking a shit-ton of shady roaches while drinking white Russians without puking is a challenge all its own, the plot line doesn’t just revolve around drinking enough to be a true measure of your own fadeability. On the other hand, 1983’s Strange Brew is more than perfect for getting thunderpermed on your couch. The film debut of Rick Moranis, Strange Brew is about two Canadian brothers who get a job at a brewery to help fuel their beer-swilling habits. With lines like “If I didn’t have puke breath, I’d kiss ya,” the movie is a truly heartwarming tale that also has beer being enjoyed in almost every scene. Trying to keep up with Bob and Doug is tough, but they’re from the land up north, so you’ll probably be able to take them down.
On the more extreme end, if you’re looking for a guaranteed loss, try and rumble Nick Cage in Leaving Las Vegas. Cage’s character is actually trying to drink himself to death in the movie, which makes winning tough, but since he doesn’t actually succeed, a schlitzkrieged suicide will make you the greatest cinematic drinker of all time. Seriously though, if you can make it through 10 minutes without Dr. Steve Brule-ing your liquor, consider yourself a champ.
If keeping up with a fictional alcoholic sounds like too much of a pain in the ass, drinking movies always have in-movie challenges that you can incorporate into your everyday drinking life. In 1985’s Teen Wolf, Michael J. Fox stars as a high school kid who hits puberty and thus turns into a werewolf that is inexplicably good at basketball. If that isn’t reason enough to get hammered, after winning the league championship Fox heads down to the local burger joint where all the cool kids get smashed. Fox, now welcome in the popular club, gets tossed a victory beer, but instead of sipping it, he bashes it against his head a few times and then shotguns it by biting through the can. Bad ass. While Teen-Wolfing a beer might sound intimidating, it’s thoroughly possible in real life, and I’d suggest giving it a go the next time you need a kick start to your night.
The Charles Bukowski of all drinking movies is definitely Beerfest, and by cataloguing every drinking game ever, it has become the go-to movie for bored drunks. The pinnacle of the boozing feats in the movie is the strikeout, and while holding in doja smoke and pounding a beer and a shot sounds daunting, it’s not nearly as bad as they portray it on the big screen. While throwing a perfect game is impossible, doing three strikeouts for a solid inning is a good fade. Better yet, gather up a bunch of baseball stars, go nine innings and get the whole bullpen blaquephaded.
With Bluto Blutarsky slamming down entire fifths of Jack Daniels (don’t try that one) and Billy Madison stumbling shirtless out of a fort with a keg over his head and Foreigner blasting, there are more than enough enablers to be found on the silver screen. Pounding beers in a furious vendetta against a scripted drunk is thoroughly satisfying, as is Netflixing the shadiest hooch-related movies possible in search of the next Teen Wolf-esque party trick. Hell, at the very least, getting smashed with the TV means you don’t have to move very much to go through the full blackout and pass out cycle.