Most undergraduate research papers are dumb. I will defend my thesis by writing an introductory paragraph, so that I can announce what you are about to read. In paragraphs two and three, I will write a bunch of bullshit. In addition, I will place a contrived transition in between each sentence, or else I will not receive an “A.” Subsequently, if there is no transition, it is simply too difficult for essay-graders to adjust to a new sentence. Consequently, I will end this paragraph on a sentence that expresses the exact same sentiments as my first sentence, but with different wording. Henceforth, the majority of research papers appears to be below 70 on the IQ scale.

In this paragraph, I will spend 10 hours looking for a book in a library, and then another 10 hours “finding a relevant quote to support my thesis” (bullshit source, 11). After every quote, I will remind my reader what my thesis is, so I don’t “lose points” (bullshit source, 12). If teachers limit students to using specifically assigned sources, then students are unable to bullshit their research papers. In addition, these students will not have to waste 10 hours in the library looking for a book.

In a dramatic juxtaposition, lesser teachers force students to find their own sources. Sometimes, they create rigid guidelines for the sources, where they say something like “you must support your thesis with 10 hardcover books, 70 paperback books, 48 coloring books, three Web sites that end in .net, eight that end in .com, 90 electronic journals, five quotes from a film produced by a man named Judd (excluding Judd Apatow) and 40 issues of Cosmopolitan magazine that do not feature the words ‘sex’ or ‘man’ on the cover” ( When attempting to meet these source guidelines, no actual research will occur. Rather, I will just spew back out shit that I have read. I will then “analyze” each quote by rewording it. This paragraph just proved that most research papers are mentally challenged.

This next paragraph will offer a contrary viewpoint. Research papers are less moronic if students are given an entire quarter to work on them. In addition, clever teachers also supplement research papers with other assignments, like oral or Powerpoint presentations. These assignments prevent students from bullshitting their way through a horrible paper. I am now finished with offering an opposing opinion.

This new paragraph will also prove that most research papers are notably stupid. I have had TAs in the past who wait until after we turn in our papers to announce a formatting rule, such as that our pages must be numbered. However, they never mentioned before that the pages needed to be numbered, because it was “common knowledge” (evil TA from freshman year, 63). This further proves my thesis that most research papers lack definite intelligence.

One just realized that first person is not allowed in research papers.

In the conclusion paragraph, one must remind their audience of everything that is already stated in the essay. One must do this, because people who read essays tend to have terrible short-term memories. However, essay-readers still remember enough to take off points for redundancy. Henceforth, one must reword the same single fucking idea in as many ways possible. In addition, the conclusion requires that one must come to one’s own conclusions after doing so much research. However, no genuine research has taken place. Ultimately, most research papers are only retarded if they are assigned in annoying ways. Often times, it is not actually the teacher’s fault that these annoying rules exist. Rather, departments require that these rules be enforced, thus forcing teachers to read bullshit essays even more boring than this essay.