The NBA season has finally started, and God dammit, I am excited as hell for it. After months of blue balls, I can finally get dummy retardo in my living room and have a proper Sheedgasm. Seriously, I now have an excuse to remain straight blunted until March and yell “Ball don’t lie!” in every possible situation just to pay homage to my favorite shit-talking, half-court shot making, oft-faded superhero and his inexplicable bald spot.
Rasheed Wallace aside, the NBA offers me something no other sport can right now: West Coast dominance. It’s no secret that I think both that the East Coast can go fuck itself and that California should secede, and the NBA’s West Conference is really the only thing in the sporting world backing me up on those views right now. The Angels broke my heart, Los Doyers collapsed, the 49ers are terrible as usual, and the Raiders are crushing any glimmer of hope they have with a front office that perennially loves to nasal rape their fans. The only California team doing well is the San Jose Sharks, but while I’m working on spending more time enjoying hockey, the NHL just doesn’t carry enough weight in this country to drop some verbal bombs on that other coast. Too bad I don’t have beef with Canada.
The Western Conference of the NBA has officially turned the East into a bush league. Everyone in the country – outside of the sporting hellhole known as Boston – has picked the Lakers to win it all, and with good reason. With the depth of their bench and the ridiculous talent of their starting five, I’ll guarantee a return of Forum Blue and Gold to the finals. Don’t think they’ll get there easily though. Unlike the East, the West has enough solid teams to fill up both playoff brackets on their own. Last night the Lakers took on last year’s surprising youngsters, the Blazers, and watching the game made me feel like I had dipped my balls in honey. Purely sublime. With franchise player Greg Oden back in the lineup, Portland is sure to make it rain this year.
The West simply plays more entertaining basketball than the East, and for my money no one exemplifies it better than the Denver Nuggets. Last year they averaged 110.7 PPG, second in the league, and finished second to last in points allowed at 107 per game. On the flip side, while I love Detroit for giving me Sheed and DJ Assault, the Pistons were downright boring. On an average night, 37 more points would be scored in a Denver game than in a Detroit game, and that trend carries through all the teams in each conference.
Stats aside, the West is through and through way more thugadocious than the lame-ass East. The Golden State Warriors are usually the hardest team in the league, and although they dumped off my man Baron Davis, they still have Stephen Jackson publicly announcing his hopes to never need to use a gun again. ‘Nuff said. Farther south, I’m falling in love with the Clippers all over again. I’m feeling the league’s classiest team this year, and I think that B. Diddy is going to use his throat beard and lensless sunglasses powers to pull them deep into the playoffs.
If you’re wondering why I have left so many money teams out there, it isn’t because the Rockets, Suns, Jazz, Hornets and Thunder aren’t going to be rock solid teams. It’s because their column space-limited omission proves my point. While I could write pages and pages about the radness of the West, even including those loveable losers up in Sacramento, I can summarize the East with a giant fucking yawn.
If only I could get Sheed back in the West, I would finally be content. Wallace for Tim Thomas anyone?