Before I start, I would just like to add that in no way do I consider myself an expert, or even a guru on the subject, but simply a guy who lives in a house with 40 guys and observes his fair share. With that being said, college is a time to explore your sexual fantasies and have fun. It’s a time we can look back at and say, “We were just a bunch of kids runnin’ around.” However, when you and your partner reach the point of asking yourselves, “Are we going to get hopped enough and make some bad decisions?”, there is an etiquette to be followed.
Rule one: As “Superbad” has taught us, it’s OK to hook up with someone intoxicated as long as you are of equal or greater intoxication. Legally speaking, this is not true, but it’s the standard. Unless of course you are a sniper that preys on intoxicated individuals, and for that reason, my house has started B.A.S.S. (Brothers Against Sniping Slooters). But seriously, if you can’t hook up with them sober, then you probably shouldn’t be drunk.
Rule two: If you plan on hooking up with somebody, booty call or not, stopping at Freebirds on the way is not your best option. Although the taste of a nice, juicy burrito is fulfilling and appetizing, especially when inebriated, the bodily smell afterward is not. For those of you who subject your partner to such cruel and unjust treatment, you are not getting a call back.
Rule three: If you have trouble controlling your bladder or other bodily functions, especially when inebriated, shacking up is not your wisest choice. Cut your losses and bone the fuck out. Although cuddling is cute, romantic and all that other stuff, you’re not dating. The humiliation of peeing in somebody’s bed will be even worse. However, if you’re in the business of making bad decisions and you pee in somebody’s bed, acknowledge it, laugh and fix the problem. Or you could do my favorite and flip over the mattress while she is in the bathroom, as if she won’t notice.
Rule five: For those of you who take pride in being the previous night’s bad decision, more power to you. But for those of you who don’t, get up early and leave. No kiss on the cheek or even an acknowledgement of leaving, just get your shit and leave. If, however, you decide to sleep in, even though it is statistically proven to work against you, recounting the hormone-driven decisions of the previous night is the worst thing you can do. At the very most, you can semi-sarcastically say “good times,” (in a somewhat laughing manner) and casually head out. This is not the time to make future plans or even talk unless you seriously think there is potential for more. As an expert friend of mine so finely puts it: “Don’t let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya.”
Last but not least: Some people say a courtesy call is necessary after a hookup. However, this is not the case. In most instances a courtesy call only makes things more awkward and recounts all the bad decisions made. Only if you feel you took advantage of them or got too carried away in the moment, should you feel the need to courtesy call between one to two days later. However, if you honestly think there is a future between the two of you, then call, but if you don’t want more, then stick to procedure. So, when things get hot and sticky, don’t be a mistake… be a legend. Use the etiquette.