Watch Your Step
Friday, Sept. 19, 11:14 p.m. – A man walking by a house at the corner of El Embarcadero and Del Playa Drive suddenly lost his balance and face-planted on the sidewalk, catching the eye of a patrolling officer.

The deputy went to check on the well-being of the 19-year-old and immediately noticed the strong odor of alcohol emanating from his person. The not-so-sure-footed partier had bloodshot eyes and slurred speech, and his clothes were soiled in what appeared to be his own bodily fluids.

As the deputy spoke with the now-seated man, he began to vomit vigorously. After he was done regurgitating his dinner, he slumped over to the side, almost landed in his own pile of vomit, and fell fast asleep.

The officer awoke the sickly man and continued questioning him, making sure not to step in the puddle of sick.

The deputy asked the man what he had been drinking, and not surprisingly, the young man stated, “Tequila.”

Having heard all he needed to hear, the officer arrested the young man and transported him to the Santa Barbara County Jail where he was housed, pending sobriety.

Marking Your Territory
Friday, Sept. 19, 11:20 p.m. – Officers poking around a Del Playa parking lot came across a young man defacing a stranger’s vehicle.

The deputies watched as the 19-year-old UCSB student pulled down his zipper, whipped it out and began urinating on the side of a minivan. He was, however, too drunk to keep his balance and had to use the minivan for support as he relieved himself.

Unfortunately, even with the van’s steady support, standing tall was just too difficult and the perp stumbled to the side and started peeing on his own leg.

An officer walked up behind the man and told him to “zip it up.” Caught red-handed, the young man turned around and still tried to play it cool, telling the officer he hadn’t been urinating.

His zipper was still down, however, and the officer told him once more to zip it up, which he eventually did. The deputy then began to question the young man, but he proved to be uncooperative.

Judging that the man was unable to care for himself, the officer arrested the young pisser and transported him to the Santa Barbara County Jail where he was housed, pending sobriety.

Deaf, Dumb and Blind
Sat. Sept. 20, 12:14 a.m. – An SBCC student walking west down Del Playa Drive caught the attention of the Isla Vista Foot Patrol.

Acting as if he were a human pinball and Del Playa was his alcohol-themed pinball machine, the 20-year-old man was bumping into people left and right as he attempted to navigate the busy street. He had with him a female escort, but not even a pinball wizard could have controlled his reckless walking.

Then the unsteady stroller bumped into the wrong man, who got up in his face and started shouting. The deputies hastened towards the intoxicated man, hoping to get to him before he got himself into real trouble.

The officers reached the young man and told him to sit down on the curb, which he did, and started asking him for his information. Due to his level of intoxication, however, he proved difficult to talk to. His speech was so slurred the deputy had to ask him to repeat answers several times before he could comprehend what he was trying to saying.

He told the officers he had been drinking at a friend’s house and was heading to another friend’s house. Isla Vista’s Finest were forced to disagree, however, and arrested the man right there. He was later transported to the Santa Barbara County Jail where he was housed, pending sobriety.